I wonder

If I'm becoming fat. It started last week. As I was going through the morning routine. I like routine, in the sense that you don't have to think [too hard] about what you're doing.

So as I was putting on my belt, in the routine, half asleep, zombie manner, I encountered some difficulty. The hands normally find the appropriate hole to use, but on this morning, they were unsure. Where they ended up felt a bit tight. Too tight to be the correct hole. Actually had to look [had to get out of half-asleep mode] and confirm I was doing the right thing. It still felt tight, even after looking. Same thing happened the next day. Definitely a source of concern. Temporary concern anyway. I have the ability to quickly lose any weight gained.

vacuum toys

I bought the world's most expensive toy 3 years ago. A sony flatscreen but with a hump.
a hump so big it ridicules eeh was that bactarian or dromedary camel. Don't worry, i began cramming when i was 9 years old.
The thing about this toy is that it was supposed to be like my chic. To turn me on as Nation would put it. Not the turning on you are thinking.
To keep me busy, bring comedies, games and the best of action all day all night.
I even tried an addon in the name of GTV to great disgust and apathy. I began falling behind on bills until i wrote the email "Due to the aftermath of the post election violence, please disconnect till i finish reconstruction projects"
White lies.Little knowing that it left a vacuum. Wait a minute. Vacuum has a double u. like wuuui! Those english guys were nuts. should only have double o and e. no double a and u.
language is a barrier. i have to stop using it.

Not working today afternoon

I have decided I am not working today afternoon. My boss is not in the office and I do not have anything due on Monday. So I will leave at lunch time and not return.

If I go home and lounge but my mum will think I am sick or something. I can go sit at a pub and watch guys going along their miserable little lives but that is not longer as appealing as it used to be. I welcome any ideas on what a guy can do instead.

Ms.

I was having a look at a paper the other day. Tuesday or something. It had that pictorial section where a couple of pages are filled with all sorts of corporate types giving out prizes and other similar stuff. I know someone in our marketing department so I started wondering who one has to pay to get on there. And how much. In any given week there must be hundreds of launches and CSR events.

As I went through the pics, something else jumped at me. On each and every one of them, when you read the caption, it talked of Ms. So and so [doing this or the other]. Each and every one. Single. OK. Not married. Perhaps it's just me, but I find it an indication of something not quite right with the world. Sure, women can do what they want. With other women even. But I wanted to believe that at least some of them would like or prefer to be hitched. But aren't because of an apparent dearth of men. I didn't do sociology [there was that course, fundamentals of development. Malthusian doom is all I remember from that one. Not that I know what that was exactly] but I can't help but get the feeling that there a lot of lonely souls out there. Lots of guys willing to get with the gals on one side and lots of gals wanting guys on the other. But they never meet. Kamikaze has no trouble meeting 20 year olds. Not sure he minds actually, but he's the kind of guy the women in the pictorials would fancy hanging out with. All manner of fruits notwithstanding. Eligible bachelor right there. With his own house even. Giving aJamaa a run for his money.

Perhaps it's just me, and everyone is happy with the way things are. I don't know.

The future is Blu?

Caught a news item the other night announcing that the HD-DVD format/standard will be no more. Got that bitter-sweet feeling people talk about. The inability to come to one standard for the next generation of DVD has persisted for a long time now. Reminds me of certain so called talks and a similar impasse. But I don't do politics.

Anyway. This war, like most, saddened me. The prospect of consumers [me at some point way way down the line] having to buy 2 sets of DVD players and stuff wasn't very appealing. Why couldn't they just do some RFC and some guy a la W3C, ISO come up with one standard. Too much vested interest I guess. However, I did take sides. First, HD-DVD has the "DVD" identity so you instantly know what you're dealing with. High Definition DVD. Pretty self explanatory. I also love acronyms. Ever since I had my first encounter with networking protocols. Doesn't the sight and sound of PPP just excite you. Introverted and geeky. If someone mentioned Blu-ray though, they'd have to clarify what they're talking about. Then there's the love of the underdog. Sure HD-DVD was the first to market [another reason I fancied it] but Blu-ray is a product of Sony. There are few bigger players in the entertainment industry. Last, but not least, was the fact that the adult entertainment industry favoured the HD-DVD format. The guys of Sony were too self-righteous or something like that. That and not the thought of enormous amounts of porn [what would one fill several GBs worth of content with] was the other reason for my preference.

So Blu-ray may be the next DVD standard by default. I wonder what Microsoft will say now that they'd backed the same horse that I did. The one which lost.

Of love and needs

Things get precarious at times. I get that guilt thing once in a while. Especially when Cherry nags that she hasn't seen me in a while and I have to head home early, leaving 0.5 to drink alone - sorry dude - and not even having the balls to tell him why, lying that I'm tired, early night.
When Bananas claims she wants to show me something I've never seen before. Not sure I want to see that. When The Melon sends a message at 3 in the night claiming she needs me. When the Masseuse says she luvs me, aki she does, she says. Soon The Tall One will send a message accusing me of not talking to her. I also have to start talking to New Office Chic lest she feels, whatever she'll feel. Then there's the one I stuck my tongue into over the weekend. I'm tempted to go with Fruitcake, though I think I've used that one before, cause she's kinda crazy. I'll ask 0.5. I get the feeling I should let the last one go, not follow up. Leave it as the one night stand it was. It must be a sickness cause I'll find myself calling at some point.
At least she didn't use any of those mushy type words.

Horror-scope

Or Horoscope? Always fancied using it as Horrorscope. Thats basically because I think it's all crap. But sometimes...

I have this site I go to to check my horoscope. To see what some mystic feller is saying about me. It usually feels silly but I figure if I'm on the internet there must be a lot of other more useless things I can check out.

Anyways, today's (Tuesday) claimed I'm a nice guy who should be comfortable around guys because apparently they are comfortable around me. Hogwash.

Monday's was the really insane one. Apparently I had boundless energy. Live wire! Jeez. I felt like "boiled crap" - some Two and a half men thing. Sagana really sapped me of energy. I couldn't walk straight. My tongue wasn't working (I didn't stick it in anything - wait a second... maybe I did...another story that one). No taste, some swellings on it, aching muscles, sleepy, couldn't stay awake long enough to even post about Sagana.

So usually when I read the horoscope (the next day or even days after) some of them are quite hilarious. The Saturday one also claimed I would feel like cleaning my house, doing some laundry, I'd go crazy and hose down the entire digs. Come to think of it, I did feel like I should be at home cleaning stuff up while I was in Sagana. It was either an imagined feeling or it quickly subsided. So, at times you go like - that really is true!! Sometimes.

But usually I just figure that the guys writing them just try to keep things as general as possible. Stuff that happens to most people, so on any given day whatever they write actually happens to someone or a couple of people.

Anyone know any mystics? They can shed some more light on this perhaps. Or do they already know I'm writing this email...?

Run it off

Been on some nasty medication the last few weeks that is supposed to prevent me from getting some nasty little disease that has also stopped me from drinking apart from last Friday when there was a firm thing and I decided to have just one drink so as not to look anti-social and ended up staggering home at around 4. As far as I can tell there were no side effects, hangi was kind of the same so maybe the doc was just being mean when they told me not to drink. But one thing the meds have been doing is getting me drowsy and a little nauseous. As a result I have not been out for a run for a while. And seeing that running is my hobby and drinking is what I do since I am not very good at my hobby I spent most of the weekend indoors. Its now 1223 and I am so drozy tempted to go out to the parking lot and take a nap in the car. I bet they wont miss me, I am anti-social after all and dont have too much work to do today. Why do something today when you can postponed it till just before the deadline, has always worked for me. So why are my drowsy, I must have slept over 30 hours since Friday evening, I should be rested bubbling with energy, your every day energiser bunny. I should knock of early, at lunch time, pretend to be going for some serious client meeting. There must be benefit in working in the same place for nearly five years. At some point they must looking at your work keenly and you must stop looking over your shoulder wondering if they have finally realised you are incompetent.

But I cant go home early, I promised myself I will run it off today evening have not done it for a while. Fantasised about doing 5kms in 30 minutes to Jay-Z's blue print most of jana so I have to do it today evening and I know if I stay away for too long it will be harder when I return. I went home early most days last week and realised I dont know how to just chill and put my feet up anymore. So I need to run it off every evening just to kill time especially since I am scared of drinking mid-week. Actually dont enjoy the drinking as much as I used to probably why I dont do it that much anymore. So I am right where I started, got a hobby to fill in the time I was not drinking and then stopped drinking so still have a lot of time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I will go for lunch early, that will sort out the drowsines, and have a nice big ugali with some chicken breast but looking around there is no one I want to go for lunch with. Another effect of having been here too long. Most of the guys (all 2 of them) I used to do lunch with have moved on. So now I either have to go for lunch alone or go with some of the newer guys. I don't do lunch with chicks, because I feel pressured to say something. With guys I dont have to do anything.


I have not made any sense I did not intend to. Something needs to happen I am dying inside.

Doesn't strike twice

Friday. Last Friday. I get a text from one of the doctors. He'll be heading to the land of the baganda in a week so can we meet up and catch up. I leave the office around 7 and head home to get out of work clothes. I'm anticipating a long night.

Get to tao around 8. The doc is with his.. erm.. wife? I think everyone's in agreement that that reference is appropriate. Surprised me still. To see the two of them together. Quite comfortable and cosy. So I join them at the bar counter. Chit chat. All along, across me, beyond the doctors [she's also a doc], was a woman [definitely not derogatory] having a drink, seemigly by herself. I'd not set my eyes on such a striking figure in a while, and kept looking in her direction thinking how I should be going over to her to say something. But I can't pull that stunt now, leave the docs to their own devices and have my moment of madness. I love temporary insanity. The kind one gets after having x beers. It's even more profound when one is sober. Really insane.

Anyway. At some point, she grabs hold of her bag and walks towards us, heading off somewhere. I go into a panic. My hesitation has done me in once again. Another what-if to add to my sizeable collection. Just as I'm through consoling myself, she walks back past us, back to her spot at the counter. Here we go again. There's a guy seated next to her but they don't seem to be together, and he doesn't seem to be interested. How that is is beyond me. But here I am, feeling like a prisoner. Not able to bridge the 2m gap between us. There's only one other thing left to do. So I chill, and carry on vibing the good doctors. Then, sooner than I expected, she gets up to leave. Yes. This time she's headed out the door. Aah. My time has come. But should I wait for her to get to the door before I bolt after her. She'll likely get too far and running after her won't do. So I excuse myself to take/make a phone call [ha!] and follow close after her. She takes a right turn as she exits the bar. I'd figured everything out, how I'd approach her once she walked out, what I'd say, where we could go afterwards, everything. But it all depended on her taking a left turn. Now I'm not known for thinking on my feet; I much prefer to be seated down. What to do, what to do. There are seats outside the place and everyone seems to be looking at me. I think they know what I'm up to. So I stop in my tracks and make the phone call that will make my actions less suspicious. I must have talked to Kamikaze for too long because by the time I resumed the pursuit and turned the corner I think she'd taken, she was nowhere in sight. I quickened my pace and got to another junction. No sign of her either direction. It's been like 2 years since I've attempted such a stunt. What was I thinking. I wasn't.

I trudge back to the bar. I notice another chic having wine by herself. But I've done my crazy deed for the day. I must come back here next Friday though. At some point we join Kamikaze and 0.5 at the usual. Two guys, two gals. Now these guys know how to get things done. A while later and we're headed to westi. There's something priceless about novelty. When that is gone, it's just downhill from there. Nothing really remarkable I can remember, although just after we got there people kept dropping bottles to the floor. Surreal like. Every so often, poof! Made several trips to the dance floor. Nothing remarkable there either. At some point Kamikaze left, and we didn't hang around either. At this time, it's either home or maddie, and I wasn't too keen on going home.

There are some tunes I can't just sit down to, so at some point I got up to do my thing. That's where I met the light chic who made an appearance on Wednesday.

Friday. Juzi. I have to fulfill the promise I made to go back to that bar. I had this crazy idea that she would be seated at the same spot on the counter as last week. That lightning can strike the same spot twice. Unfortunately, it doesn't.

Coastal Kamikaze

I had promised this post some time back. Here goes nothing.

It seems like quite a while back eh? December. Before the elections and all that nonsense afterwards. Kinda get the urge to head back there soon.

Samborera decides he has to take a bus ride somewhere. South sounds about ok for him so off he trudges. Trudges. Ha! Gets there on a Tuesday I think. Or did he leave on a Tuesday? Anyways, he's there probably two or three days before aJamaa and myself wend our way there. Who knows what kind of mischief the man was up to. Thursday night, aJamaa and I board a bus and make tracks. Some Richot helps us find our way to coast. We are met by Mr. S, hire a car and get to touring.

Coastal Kamikaze was basically a very relaxed guy. Walking around in shorts and open shoes, sweating freely, no need to wipe anything off like in Nai. Easy. We did the beach thing, just walking about or staring at this massive water formation. Endless. Surreal. Gets me every time. The days were spent doing much of the same thing. Driving around with aJamaa always going in the wrong direction. Didn't mind really. Not like we were late for something. But this guy has it down to an art. I bet he doesn't which side his heart is. That's the left side boss! YOUR left.
Anyways, Friday saw us laze about in south coast, have 600.00 bob chicken (bandits), stick your feet in the sand and think about nothing really. Just relax.
Friday night. When you spend the whole day sitting and constantly pinting, the evening can only hold certain appeal for you. And its not the prospect of getting high. Working women! Sorry, working Femmes! Yeah boss. I think we did Casablanca. The ka small joint with air con and very undressed Femmes. Friday I just watched. Headed to my room early. Something about an ulcer and drinking and smoking. How do I stop smoking?! Anyways, I left the boys to their own devices and went to sleep.
Next day - breakfast, headed to Mr. S's hotel, grabbed the guy and made for Malindi. Talk about lazy. After walking on some pier, we headed into the town - wonderful scenery on the way to Malindi by the way. Palm trees always get me. As do Baobab trees. So, we are in Malindi, we do the pier walk, head back into tao to look for a joint to watch some soccer. No one knows where they have GTV. Plus, most joints are just opening. Its like guys wake up at 4. Next time, a guy just has to go stay in Malindi, not try and visit during the day. So anyways, no place to watch soccer. We head back to Mombasa. Looking for some food. Biriani to be precise. We got the food. And some weird juice. Can't remember where we went next. Bob's? But it was more of the same.

Coastal Kamikaze wasn't really out to snag them Femmes. More to relax. And get a massage! I remember seeing a lot of signs that advertised massages. I was looking for the "Happy Ending" kind but never tried to actually go to those joints. So Saturday night was still relaxed. I think I got a lousy massage either that Saturday or on Sunday. Got two massages in total. Both lousy. All part of the experience though. All this time either I was hanging out with aJamaa and Sam or some other two dudes from the hood. Now those guys had a plan when they checked in to coast. Shag their balls off. Prolific guys those. Lets call them Adebayor and Cristiano. Salute!

I'll skip forward to check out day. Monday. We did the wild waters thing. Had a blast! Got to go back there. This is another thing that I find very weird when you talk about it to other guys. You tell them you went water sliding and they talk like you are too old for that stuff. Please! Who are you kidding?! Trying to sound "Mature". We all had a blast. A thrill. Exhilarating. Had to leave early though. Plane to catch. Back in Nai within an hour of coast. That flight was too fast.

I miss Coastal Kamikaze. Hope to see him soon though. For now its Sagana Kamikaze. I'm off.

On my mind...

Sitting in the office, passing time. Never feel like working on Saturdays.
Thought about what I can post and came up with nothing. I usually have the same set of things on my mind so the post is bound to be about any of them. Pint, women, soccer. How about we do all eh?

Pint: - Nothing to report.

Women: - We'll save this for last.

Soccer: - Big game today and I'm hoping they have DSTV or GTV in Sagana. Arsene Wenger is obviously a wonderful coach. Brings out the best in his players (most anyway). But he usually messes up with his in-season planning. The guy should have bought players at the beginning of the season. If you are looking to win the league, go far in the champions league (or even win it, who knows, pretty close that Barcelona season) and perhaps take the FA cup, you need a proper bench. For when your top guys get tired or injured. For when you have major back to back games - as is the case right now. For when there is an African Cup and some of your best players return from Africa having received a few knocks (which they will and have). For when one of your best strikers is as brittle as brass(? - is that it or do I have the wrong simile here?) - Van Persie. Anyways, you get the drift. All due respect to Mr. Wenger. But at times his big plan for Arsenal messes with the current game. It would be mighty disappointing to lose the league title. The boys started the season very well. There's about 12 games to go. Guys get worn out. Wear and tear of the game. Would be sad to let Man-U nick this one because they can keep putting top class players on the pitch each game while yours are flat out.

Women :- Every time I use that word it sounds derogatory. Women. Woman. On the other hand, using Ladies just feels weird to me. Chics? The Honeys? I've got it! Will use Femmes from now on. How do you pronounce that? Never mind.
Coconuts is out. The Melon is back. Bananas is back. The Tall One never left. I have a Masseuse now. There's The Chic Next Door. 0.5 suggested she be called Cherry. Cause some part of her body is very soft. Which means I touched. Sorry 0.5. The dude warned me not to touch. Well, what can I say? It's a sickness.
Am I skipping anyone? Wait. New entrant - as of 14th Feb - New Office Chic. The other Office chic isn't doing much for me now. Not that the New Office Chic has done anything, we just had dinner. But that can only be progress.
So, that's about it. Bananas on Saturdays. Masseuse on Wednesdays. The Tall One on the occasional Friday. Cherry for the odd days I'm not out drinking. New Office Chic still has some planning to be done for. The Melon hasn't really convinced me to bring her back into the fold, so there is nothing definite about her.
That sounds about right. Not today though. I'm off to camp. Just hope no one stops the van and demands to see my ID. Or talks to me in Kyuk. I really need to learn that language. Hey wait a minute. The list above. Coconuts - Mijikenda (ok, some coast thing, can't remember exactly which kind), The Melon - Kyuk, Bananas - Meru or Embu (those two always confuse me), The Tall One - Kisii. Now here we pause. The Masseuse said she's half Rwandan half something coast. That is obviously bull! But, we are not here to establish family trees - rather to plant our own. Hey, I came up with that all on my own. My brain is about to shut down. Too much power used. On to Cherry - Maasai. New Office Chic, Kao. Old Office Chic - Lunje. What is that if not a sign of the greatness of this country? All and sundry can come together as one!! Ok, I lost myself somewhere in there, but you get what I'm saying.
Enough crap for a while.

Breaking news

Got an email today from the guy who at some point started referring to himself as Cobz, stating in part that "today is the day i get to propo". I'm assuming the last word was meant to be propose. Marriage. Waaa! And there are signs of a couple of other guys going down that road in the near future. No question who the last man standing will be. Moi.

Not touched yet

As a sequel to "Hiding". 0.5 said not to touch. Well, I haven't. She didn't show up on Monday. She did yesterday though. Said she checked on Tuesday (was drinking). She checked Wednesday (was drinking). Checked yesterday. Found me in. I didn't have her number. Now I do. In fact she just called, I wonder what for. She just said hi and hung up. Weird eh? Well, not as weird as someone showing up at your door at 9.00pm. We sat and talked about nothing. I couldn't move closer to her. Oh no. Anyways, she's supposed to come over tomorrow again. I have a bad feeling about this. But then again, why not eh? Lets see how it goes. Once people get high, plenty of touching happens.

Now I'm off to meet Ms. Masseuse. And The Tall One says she's coming to tao. Need to find another watering hole. They all know where to get me. Who'll show up next? The Melon? Coconuts? Bananas? I sure hope I'm not missing anyone.

Broken news

i interrupt normal programming to bring to your attention a case of morning scare.
Yesterday as i walked along Nyayo stadium, on my head was a sound pyaaaaahhhh psyaaaaaahhh and then heavy wetness dripping from my head.
That was a ugly bird's shiet! Lots of it. Right on my head.
Talk of bad luck in your best suit. But i managed to wash my head with the liquid soap in the loo.
I have put the past behind me. I am moving on.

Backfired

Well, she didn't show up yesterday. The party girl. Need a name for her. Maybe I should try less fruity names, perhaps thats where I've been going wrong? Who knows. Anyways, maybe I took too long getting home. Plus I don't have her number. Didn't ask for it. Why I wonder? Perhaps thought it would be too forward. I really need to grow a pair.

This is all Coconut's fault. Make a guy comfortable he loses the minimal game he had. Back in the days I could have gotten that number in a jiff. Probably wouldn't have needed a number. She was already in my house. Now. Jeez. Can't believe it.

On a similar note, and talking about backfiring. How about the resident doctor's strategy. Now that blew up in our faces. Ati don't invite the 'usual' company. Oh boy. Next time someone makes that suggestion they best think about who it is directed to. A couple of introverts? You give them a month to go out and find someone new? For crying out loud!! Everyone thought it'd be a cinch. Easy peasy, minimal effort. An entire month? Enough time. So there we were at the party. My Office chic had to leave early (didn't see that coming!). At the time of her leaving we were left with just one female there. How many guys you ask? Around 6 or 7, maybe 8. Too many! Guys just checked in. No company. Just jamaas!! People! Pay someone! Oh yeah now I remember. We (doc and I) seriously thought of going out and finding some working women. We didn't even know how to do that!

Next time, lets just agree. Guys, come over for some drinks. Don't even bother trying to invite anyone. No. Thats too much for you introverts. Just come, get high and we can get arrested for having an illegal gathering. Or you could get some numbers for working women who you can then invite to such gatherings. Check Nation Classifieds. But thats another story.

Hiding

I'm in the office. Scared of heading home. This is a silly thing to say I know. I'm not married, though it certainly feels that way. I think this is why most married guys spend their time in the pub after work. The missus wants to have a word. Coconuts says she wants to see me. On any other day that would be OK. I can just sit there and be seen. But when you are in the process of breaking up with someone, although she doesn't know it (or has she used that fabled female intuition and surmised something's up? - even more reason to stay in the office), it becomes a problem.

Just to clear things up, no I don't live with her but for some reason I'm thinking it'll be very difficult to tell her I'm not going home now when I already told her I'm not going to pint tonight (should have seen what she was up to before I answered that one. Just thought she was making conversation. I'm so stupid!). Then if I do leave and start heading home then she calls, and she will call, she will know I'm still not in the office and haven't informed her I'm heading home. Then she will get pissed and I don't like that (need to grow a pair).

Then there's the fact that there was a party at digs and she wasn't invited. There's still some liquor around and leftover nyamchom in the freezer, my dining room table is still outside, in the compound, some wine somewhere, crisps, biscuits, chevda...all the signs that there was a party there. The same party I had said has been moved to March.

Same party I met some neighbour lady who said she'd pass by today. Wait a sec! What am I doing here? Bollocks. I'm off.