Monday, August 31, 2009

To gift or not to gift

I was listening to the radio the other day. Some devastated lass was lamenting how she'd bought some thing for her jamaa, only for him to sell it. Hilarious.

As much I sympathised with her, I could see how the guy had the reaction he did. Being from Mars and all. Perhaps I wouldn't be brave enough to flog something given to me by a significant other. I do value my life. But I'm utterly clueless when it comes to the gifting etiquette. There's this one time when a chic declared that she was buying a new phone and could she give me the one she had then. My respone was the predicatable befuddled look. The "Are you embarassed by my 3310" look. That conversation didn't progress much further. I think she gave the phone to her small sis or cousin or something.

The thing that makes me queasy about this gift giving business is the implied quid pro quo. Like when someone says to you "I love you". What do you say in response. Are you supposed to wear the shirt that she bought you when you go out together? Do you buy her a blouse? Can you give her money to buy a blouse? This is why some of us would fail miserably at relationships. Utterly clueless.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Gold liquid fix

We need to drink and very soon.
Posts like the one I have just written (below) need to stay locked in my brain and never come out. Thats depression in full flight. Otherwise,..stories like ...and then 0.5 pointed the knife at himself ...could just happen.
I can't even sleep.
A public holiday is coming up.
Peace out.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Little boxes on the hillside (really south of Athi River)
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes all the same
And the people in the houses
All went to the university ......

Cue Bone Thugs And Harmony "First of the month" ....wake up wake up get up get up...
The wife, wearing a hideous sock on her head, violently pulls the blanket away from your feet.
Wake up you lazy sod!
Move. Left foot right foot the bathroom ..and bang feet against something ..some mitungis ...which roll all over the place. There hasn't been any piped water for days.
Hey!!! There is only one bucket of water and I have to bathe the kids!!
That screeching noise again. Where is the fucking sponge and jar now? Time for the scout routine - a glassful for a shower. I hate this gut. Really testing the one glass one shower theory. Note to self, need new trousers. The button came off the largest one during the last meeting - the family jewels almost came out. Grin. That would have been embarassing. Deodorant. Lots of it. Ok.
Junior patters out.
Daaaaaad! Am gonna be late!!
When are you buying a new car? That familiar shriek again, rising in volume and ominous-ness. Look at this thing. Am not riding in this thing. KAN. What year was that manufactured? Why can't you be like other men? And when are you buying me that Golf you promised?
Oh that. That was ten years ago. Good times.
Alex just bought Sue a Vortex. A vortex! You? What do you do? You pretend you forgot my birthday ......please don't stall on me old hog of a car. Lets turn the key. Nope. Ok. Sixth time is the charm. Engage gear. Creeeeaaaaak. We are moving.

What are you doing? Shrieking to the left.
Huh? Oh. You guys managed to get in the car.
Slow down. That's Junior's school right ahead.
Brake. Huuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. ....
Have you HEARD a word I said?
Sorry honey, I got sidetracked there for a minute.
Don't honey me. I need nine thousand to pay for Junior's trip to the coast and for my salon appointment.
Why does Junior need to go to Coast? Never saw coast till was like 27! Whats a freaking 6 year old going to do there anyways?Won't ask anyway.
Where is nine thousand going to come from? Hummmmmmmmmmmm .....
Stop. STOP!!!!!
This is my stop! Oh my goodness you are a complete moron.
Have a nice day honey.
Fuck off. And bring the sugar-flour-coagulant mixer from mall and don't forget or you will sleep on a tree tonight.
Blah blah blah.

The office. Siigggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh crap. Didn't finish the projections. Crap crap. Oh my goodness the product manager is walking to the lift right now. She is hoooooot! Look at the ass. And she is so bloody young. When did she go to school? At the desk at last. Cue some day dreams. Roll internal camera ..scene one.
Hiiiiiii. are behind schedule, again....but I can't bring myself to punish you. But you have to step up. Leaning lower and closer. You are incredibly talented, but you don't apply yourself, which is sad. Pregnant silence. I know am your manager and all,..and this is against company regulations but, I like you. You are kind of hot. A mature, constant and steady hot. Like an ageing whiskey. May be I can assist you, how would you like that .....let me scoot over to your side of the desk ....

Excuse me. Please finish these by close of business today.
Oops. That was a nice dream. But the subject of the dream is here, cold and distant, with a pile of files as high as her height. She won't even address me by my name! Whats up with that?
Yes madam.
She is a cold bitch that one. She is hot. Cold and hot. Crap. Pay attention now, savour the moment as she wiggles her ass out. Would dearly love to hold those. Settle down pal, settle down. Who is hitting that I wonder? Gotta try again sometime. Perhaps not. The last time at the party she poured her drink down my trousers. Only suggested a lunch date. Goodness. I Don't socialise with stagnated losers, she said. Such meanness. This is a ton of work here. Crap. Cue another dream ...

End of day. It is home time. Man up. No tears. No tears buddy. You can do this. A prayer for the jalopy. Deliver me home before the thugs come out please....
The door opens.
Where is the mixer?
Should I attempt a discreet fondle? May be she might be three quarters asleep and rumbling in the jungle might get on. That hideous sock on her head. Chill out, relax. Lemons. Lets make a lemonade. Damn its been a while. At this rate the colonel might need some dusting. Cue a dream. My boss in that notorious red thing that masquarades as a skirt. All passengers buckle up. Here goes nothing.

Don't you fucking touch me.


Lights out.