spineless

This post is dedicated to all the spineless creatures out there. And since things like eels and salamanders and newts (or anything else with an american name) cannot read (i think), then you know I am talking to YOU.

Spineless. No backbone. Can't stand up for yourself. Stupid snivelling idiot. Okay, hold your pistols, I am describing myself.

On this here blog, I claimed to have let go. Of smoking, drinking and of certain persons. How long did it take? The smoking, A spirited two weeks. The drinking, a pathetic three days.

Here is the clincher. After divesting myself of all avenues of contact with the aforementioned "someone" (including a pathetic 'willing myself to forget all phone numbers', after deleting the mobile number from my cell phone), I went ahead and bloody well called. I am so ashamed of myself.

I guess even this very act of writing this down is pitiful in itself. Like I am seeking atonement of some sort. Pitiable.

Now I can't finish what I started, because I realise, I really did not want to call this "someone". I simply did it because I couldn't help myself. Which in the end is just sad.

I just let go ...

Of 11,000 Kenya shillings. That, gentlemen, was rent. I felt like someone plunged a serated knife into my lungs and twisted it a few times. I look at the future that waits for me, and I nod my head.
I don't have a girlfriend. I don't pay school fees. I don't have to buy clothes for myself or anyone for that matter.
Yet I have a huge problem managing my money.

Which brings me to the question: How, were our parents able to raise us to the point we have now reached?

Aighhh. I can't think right now. Lets see, today is Tuesday. Way too early in the week.

My previous girlfriend called. Set a very sad mood for the rest of the week with her whining and asking what it is that went wrong. Ok now I need to stop.

Talk too fast, think too slow

Thats me. In my urgency to blog, I had to go and reminisce about the cold. Elelelelele. Well now we are in it. All my fault. Ha! If only the world was pegged to what I think or say!

Yes its Friday. Nothing there for me. I have 200 bob on me. I guess I could go grab a soda or two at my favourite joint. But how can I face them? All of them. My friends, the waiters and waitresses. The Dj. Usually when I get there, I simply nod my head and a cold one appears. Now I want to tell them to take it back and come back with a different kind of cold one? The fizzy kind, in little bottles, for small kids at birthday parties. I can't do it. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye again. THEY wouldn't be able to look me in the eye again. It would be too much. I guess I will just slink away, head home, go and become a recluse.

I mean, first I stop buying cigarettes. I look sideways at guys smoking near me. I flail at the smoke blowing my way like a little girl. Then I dare enter into that most revered of places and ask for a soda? No ways. Ah ah.
Oh the agony I am in...

cold wish

Someone on this blog (if I remember correctly) got roasted on one of the few sunny days we have seen in the recent past and wished - unwisely - for the cold to come back. The All-seeing God heard that one and decided to amply answer the prayer.

And now look where we are.

The consolation is that it is a Friday. The only thing I look forward to these days is sleeping exhaustively during weekends (a bad habit I am borrowing from a guy I know). The monotony is really getting to me.

cancer sticks

Smoking is a very difficult habit to kick. Mountains of resolve are briskly washed away by the aromatic smell of a cigarette wafting to your nostrils. The cigarette could be in the hands of one Eric, or Td,.......

Realizing that your will power is as strong as the driest of straw, you whip yourself for allowing yourself that one cigarette while having a bottle of Tusker. Having smoked one, you say what the fuck? Damage done, hand me another! Back to rock bottom. You shake your head, thoroughly bewildered, and promising yourself to resist the urge to death next time.

But its all good. My attempts to quit "binge" smoking are bearing fruit. Not so much because of self discipline, but because of certain death should the habit continue. Sometime back I had written to say I had been sick. The first thing the doctor had asked me when I entered the clinic was whether I smoked. I said no (can't have that appearing on my record). Anyway, I was diagnosed with a condition called Brucellosis of a certain variation (name unpronouncable). I had smoked something like 20 cigarettes the previous Saturday.

Didn't need no genius to add the math up. The damn things had to go. I still falter occasionally, but well, I think I will kick it out entirely.

For now I don't have to worry about letting go of habits of the "someone" kind. Which is sad and speaks volumes about my life (in a negative light I might add).

Letting go

That is always the hardest part. Letting go of a habit you've formed.
Habit could be drinking, smoking, sleeping late, getting to work late, getting home late, spending alot of time with someone...ad infinitum.

Lately it seems I have to let go of a couple of my habits. Got to get to work early, 'cause someone has been spilling the beans to the boss that I get in just before he does (he checks in at around 11, so i usually get in at 10.30 or so). As a corollary, I have to sleep early and wake up early. Which means getting home early, aided by the fact that I have to stop drinking. Already quit smoking. And then there is this "someone" I had to let go last Friday. A whole lot of letting go.

My hope is that I gain some things to replace what I am letting go of. Like I can breathe better since I don't smoke no more, I can thus sleep better, I can have an extra thousand bob in my pocket 'cause I am not spending it on "spending time with someone", gain my CEO's trust once again, so that I can go back to coming in late. Hey maybe I can lose some weight too, that wouldn't be too bad would it? Was in hospital like two days ago, at around 3 am, but thats a story for another day or time. Long story short, I clocked 93Kgs. F*****g hell!

Let go. Maybe you can gain something you need, or lose something you don't need.

Struck down again

A fine young lad, once again barred from entering the beautiful sites that are all over the world. Otherwise known as Pubs aka Bars aka Clubs.
Barred being a rather harsh word, fine. The feller has been instructed to desist, forthwith, from partaking of the fine fluids to be found for sale in such places; Frotho, Gauge, Keroro,Pombe...

Yes, it is sad. No more shall this fine young lad be found partaking of the aforementioned fluids, in all their variations. Why you ask? Well, because he had been given this very same warning a while back. He did not heed the good doctor's advice for long, and now he is paying the price.

Which reminds me of something I read somewhere, about the ills of smoking. If you (you being generally anyone, including myself - paradoxically) don't stop smoking, a day will come when it will affect you so much you will seek treatment for it, treatment may not work, but at the same time you will be forced to stop. So why not stop now eh? At least then, all you have to worry about is stopping, not the treatment. Get a nicotine patch, whatever, quit the damn thing.

As for liqour...aaaaah....that is another thing altogether. Wacha ama chukua Kiasi.

Thus, right now, I am not smoking (a week and some days, still going strong), plus I have been forced off the liqour. Again. Struck down in the prime of my drinking life...

But we can still meet in the club/bar/pub (ad infinitum). I'll be the guy on soda or water (maybe both at the same time). Sad.

In Darkness ......

Let me tell you what swift is. Swift is when KPLC cut out your electricity on the very day that the payment lapse period expires, and as fate would have it, I had paid the full bill (plus 20 bob on top) that very morning.

Care to know what slow is? I will tell you nevertheless. It is KPLC reconnecting my lights again. The woman next door must be bubbly with happiness because I am not shooting the whole place down with loud music.
You should look at me now, in un-ironed clothes. It is almost by magic that my socks match.

Yeah. An interesting day, from all the signs.

On Fire

Damn its hot. Already wishing for that cold to come back. The fickleness of my mind shines through, like the sun is shining now. Its so hot, staying indoors is a nice idea. Fine, so I'm broke. What's new eh? It is always the same thing, 20-20 hindsight. I shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Expecting my boss anytime now. He had flown out and left instructions (was not in the office, came in late), on what he expects to be done by the time he gets back. Today. I haven't done a thing. Not because I am hard headed and defiant, but because the guy expects miracles. Asking for the unattainable, within a defined (and limited) set of resources (time being one of them). But what can I do? He is the Boss. So I guess I am in the soup today.

Like someone said, tomorrow is bound to be worse, so I am easy.

Blank .....

Since I don't have a wild life full of beautiful women, sex, money and booze (like in my dreams), I usually find its a different day, same problems. So a guy kind of runs out of ideas .......Otherwise I prefer blogging to coding, if only there was something to blog about. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of coding work.

Its Alive!!!

Right there, see it? Right there, some movement. I think it still breathes. But it is up to me and you to keep it going. Okay, sawa it is my blog, so I should be updating it, but I am hardly awake long enough to do anything meaningful. Add to that the fact that I am dilatory (learnt a new word yesterday, new to me that is, since the word was there before I knew it). Dilatory means "tendency to procrastinate". I am eternally dilatory, thus, before I actually get down to writing something, it takes some doing.

I also saw this one; A train station - where trains stop. A bus station - where buses stop. My work station?

0.5, that was not the last blog. Its alive!!

Dying,...dying....dead.

And this might be the last post on the blog that was.


Damn this cold!