A walk

Pulse sucks

I always read the Nation, I cant stand the Standard. I dont like its colour scheme, the way the paper feels and the font is not easy to read. I believe most people feel the same wa since whenever I walk up to a newspaper vendor and ask for a gazeti they always give me a Nation and if they do not have one respond, 'Tumebaki na Standard'. But the main reason I do not like Standard is that they try to be too sensational, they sometimes have this screaming, scandulous headline which is not related to the actual story. They will do a headline like X revealed and y exposed but when you read the story there is really nothing new, they just go through the same details which have been in the public domain for a while. I also dont find them reliable. When you make a statement and justify it as having come from "sources close to the State house" or "industry experts" I get skeptical. I am left wondering what does close mean? A cleaner? A guy who went to primo with the president? the Vice president?

There must be a difference between what appears in a newspaper and a discussion between two laymen in a number 2 bus to Kawangware. They can change their colour scheme all they want or renames their magazines but until they change their content they will remain miles behind Nation and not see my 35 bop. However, I do not mean to say that Nation is good its just the lesser of the two evils. In my mind, reporters are nearly as unreliable as politicians. Infact the two groups feed from the same trough, our ignorance and interest in politics.

The first time I read (or attempted to read) Pulse was towards the end of 2004. I was in Nandi Hills on a nice sunny Friday morning taking a drive back to Nairobi. There were four us in the car and we a had a Nation and Standard. The papers were split up and I ended up with the Pulse which I thought would be a nice way to kill time until we got to Kericho. After appreciating the good looking chik on the cover I turned to the first page. The lead story tried to compare the rivalry between East African musicians and the rivalry between the East and West coast rappers in the 90's. I considered it silly so I turned to the next page which also did not interest me, so I turned to the third which I think had some photos. I went through every page of the darn thing and did not find a single article worth reading. I concluded that Pulse is targeted at guys aged between 16 and 22, and those whose interest in the Kenyan music extends beyond the music. i.e. those interested in who has beef with who, who has been spotted with who e.t.c Since I do not fit into that demographic then I cannot find it readable.

Since I had nothing better to do today I checked out an article from the Pulse on the web. I dont know too much about reporting on concerts or shows but I am sure it does not involve dissing innocent people. In this piece (calling it an article would be raising it to a position it does not deserve) the writer has implied Tanzania is a banana republic,implied that some Kenyan chiks got to some mischief with those two Armenians (wish these matter would just die),dissed Bebe Cool,also dissed someone called Feroze and Mwisho, reduced an association between Mwisho and Ray C to an affair, implied a gal called Carol has issues with Tanzanians, implied Kenyans are petty thieves, suggested that Pinye is a sadist and indicated he is an expert in either Nonini's or Akon's sex life. He has also started a rumour that Akon is coming to Kenya.

I may be wrong but there is very little reporting here. He is not giving a true and fair account of events which in my mind is what reporting should be.

R.A.N.T

Guess who is going on leave?
For ten working days I will be seen nowhere near the precincts of our office. T'was about time anyways.

Peeps have ensured that I got drunk and continue to get drunk into the foreseeable future, with no effort on my part. Thankzalot anonymouses.

Love. The one word that should not share a sentence with "I" and "you". A rule that is broken with reckless abandon by the girls. If brain activity was audible, you would hear klaxon-like sounds the moment these horrifying words are spoken to many a man.
Do you know what it is? Cause I don't and I am really not interested in knowing for the foreseeable future. Like is sufficient, even opulent.

I live under the cover of stars, as far as KRA and their half-ass@d returns declaration is concerned. I mean what the kucf is that? Landlord's PIN? Bast#rds! Can't they go and get the damn thing themselves?

Apparently, I saw a document that says I am supposed to retire on July 2035. 2035. Seems awfully close doesn't it? Was born way back in 1980. I am feeling sort of like milk that has already turned bad. Midlife crisis at 25. More like 26. See? Already in denial.

Yet another document says that I would be worth ....about 78,000. If dead. These HR documents, they sure have a way of turning one into a foul mood.
One of those "life/investment" advisers constantly drums it into my head that I need to save. So that I can buy a house. So that I can be comfortable in my old age. Bright future? Another big lie.

If I had another chance I probably would have studied Arts, just for the heck of it. Computer Science, my both feet! I wonder how I would have fared as a journalist for example. And not necessarily for the money.

Techies are treated like toads. Sort of like breathing nuts and bolts in a huge revolving gizmo. The managers on the other hand are perched atop the whole set up, chirrupping like parrots. They on occasion realize how dangerous techies can be when angry. They thus conspire to massage their egos a little bit and will drag teams to some godforsaken outpost, feed them copious amounts of beer and tepid camp food. They then sing them praises on and on like a broken record and imagine they have set everything straight.
Some of the ignorance you see is unbelievable. There is a very talented engineer. This guy is top notch in Radio Communications and Computers, a rare combination. For years on end he hassles management to re-consider his salary and is generally ignored. Pesky little Engineer. Getting in the way of management "meetings" and corporate wine drinking. Over the years the dude masters a technology that is so complex that it is only him who knows it. He attends one of these techie meetings and meets the Technology head of a huge global company who is so impressed with his knowhow that he hires him on the spot. The man puts his Kenyan affairs in order, gets on a plane and disappears. No neat and formal "I hereby tender my resignation ..".
At first it is thought that the guy probably had one too many. This notion is dispelled as services start acting up. His peers scour the whole town in search of him. Alas he has moved house. A little deeper investigation reveals he has left the country.
Suddenly, he now becomes very important. Word is put on the grapevine that the management will be very pleased to hear out any terms he offers.
Soon after, the employing company dispatches some amount of money that frees the man of any contractual obligation. A fitting end and an important lesson.

Note to self

Take a chance. Don't always play safe.
Follow your instincts. They are right more often than you think.

Do nothing

I was reading some stuff on risk management the first time I came across this idea. According to the stuff I there are various steps an organisation can take when faced with threats that may lead to loss of their computer systems and the first is to do nothing. When I was in high school it was cumpolsory to go to chapel everyday and the only thing one could do during the service to kill time was read the bible. It was then that I discovered Ecclesiastes and that there is nothing worthwhile under the sun, its all chasing after the wind. I found this to be very liberating. There is nothing to be gained by effort or struggle and whenever a problem arises or is about to arise its perfectly alright to do nothing about it. If one is asked What were you doing? what are you doing? what are you going to be doing? Its perfectly alright to answer nothing. Absolutely nothing is perfect.

The last few years I have not had to many opportunities to do nothing, I have been to busy chasing after the wind i.e. working, going to class, doing exams and pynting.I cannot say I have been happy with the way my life has been going but I have been content. For the last three weeks I have been doing quite a bit of nothing. I have been sleeping a lot and it seems the more I sleep the sleepier I get. I wake up in the morning feeling sleepy, drag myself to the office to do nothing and immediately start dozing, in the evenings I cannot watch a whole football match, I get to sleepy. I hope I am not loosing it like that guy (cant remember his name I am too sleepy) in Secret window hidden garden.

I have been working on some task that was sorely created to keep me busy for the last one week though it should have taken me less than two days. But the task does not matter and its extremely boring so I am not worried about it and no one here can fire me. But I will finish the task today - if I do not take too long a nap - and will have nothing to do kesho. So should I really waste my time waking up, showering, and coming to the office to do nothing? Or should I stay in bed until they find some work for me. That would give a jamaa a few chuckles wouldn't it. Imagine a manager calling me on Thursday, assuming they do not notice the first day am away and asking why I have not been to work and I answer that there is no work for me so am in bed waiting for the 4 o'clock game. Imagine if my boss in Kenya got to know of this? She would throw a tantrum. Ati sending me all the way here, paying me a salary and I am doing nothing. I bet she does not consider doing nothing to be better than doing something.

I am also struggling with the fact that there are a number of things I have been intending to do the last few years but never had the time. There are a few applications that I need to write, there are some things I need to learn and a few books I need to read but I am too busy doing nothing. What concerns me most is that doing nothing is not making me happy. The fact that I am getting paid for doing nothing amuses me especially since nobody can hold me responsible since I am not required to create work for myself. The current situation may end up being a problem, and I will solve this problem with an acceptable solution, do nothing.

Some Wisdom ....

ISO happens and I find myself doing some deep UML research.
The article itself will not interest you, unless of course you are interested in Software Modelling. But these memorable quotes are hilarious, esp. the ones in italics.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.—Philip K. Dick
With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another.—Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
The truly educated man is that rare individual who can separate reality from illusion.—Author Unknown
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.—Abraham Maslow
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.—Edmond de Goncourt
Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality.—George Santayana
It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.—Nikolai Gogol
The scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.—Confucius
It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.—Henry David Thoreau
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.—Oscar Wilde
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. —H. H. Williams
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.—David Starr Jordan
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.—Jim Horning
Men have become fools with their tools.—Thomas Elisha Stewart
Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.—Henry David Thoreau
No amount of artificial reinforcement can offset the natural inequalities of human individuals.—Henry P. Fairchild
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance--it is the illusion of knowledge.—Daniel J. Boorstin
Education is like a double-edged sword. It may be turned to dangerous uses if it is not properly handled. —Wu Ting-Fang

Slipperiness 101

NEVA! Allow a chic to peruse your phone in the name of admiring it. (A chic here being your chic, or a prospective)

The other significant other calls in the presence of this significant other. You stand up to take the call somewhere where this significant other will not hear your mooning and spooning.Big mistake. What you do is you take the call without any hesitation whatsover. If you hesitate, she quips in with a clever remark like "who is so rude as to call you at such a time?" and with that you are screwed because you have to answer that question. You do not move an inch. Next after you take the call, you say into the phone in a playful fashion "Sasa Sweetie" or whatever it is you tell your women....
Find a way to kill the conversation quickly and in a non-damaging way.

A smart woman will not ask you: "who was that?". If you are smart for your own part you will not volunteer any information, you just let it slide. Unfortunately many women will ask you that very question; where you will reply in smart-ass fashion: "Thats my other girlfriend, si you know I have two others besides you ....".

Aren't some people persistent?
WHO WAS THAT?
That can be delivered in
i) An angry tone
ii) Quietly threatening tone, easy, almost playful.
iii) Yelled
ad infinitum .....
You should be more worried when it is not verbally delivered, but manifested in another form like stonewalling, or DoS (denial of service) attacks (depending on you, your chic and your relationship with your chic)(Never offer an explanation nevertheless. Attempting that works you into a corner that you cannot extricate yourself from).

At some point you might just have to explain who Melissa (the caller), is.
Melissa is my supervisor at jobo.(careful, careful .....had you mentioned that your department only has men?) You remember that function that we went on 22nd June 1230 AD? You can't imagine what I did! I got so high that I poured a full bottle of vodka on her. You see that idiot Kevin and his buddies told me that it was her birthday, and that she admires me in secret. So what do I do, I get a bottle of Pushkin and move over to her seat. I tell her how enchanted I am with her eyes, the perfect curve of her body and how I admire her. She is a very cold fish you know and all guys fear her, so probably no one has ever katiad her like that. She was smiling all over, so I toasted to her non-existent birthday and poured vodka over her! She was mad like hell and kicked me about the place.
Later after the party I apologised to her and asked her to forgive me. Anyways, she now takes a good laugh about it, especially my attempted seduction ...blah blah. You should meet her, you would be friends immediately since she likes [regex here] just like you do.....

Finally, finally, get rid of those smses. Immediately.

What? A guy can't flirt?

To be a giant

This piece has stuck in my mind since it was used in ads for the last Winter Olympics.

To be a giant.
This has forever been our passion, this desire to be a giant
Not to stand on one’s shoulders or have one for a friend.
Those these may be fortunate things.
But to be one.
Giants step over barriers that seem never ending.
They conquer mountains that appear insurmountable.
Giants rise above fear.
Triumph over pain.
Push themselves and inspire others.

To be a Giant.
To do Giant things.
To take Giant steps.
To move the world forward.

Quote of the day

There is no place for using effort.
Just be ordinary and nothing special.
Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water,
and when you're tired, go and lie down.
The ignorant will laugh at me,
but the wise will understand.

- Lin-chi

Jaribio

All banks are cut from the same cloth - another one from aJamaa

I went to open a bank account jana since my employer insists that they cannot pay me in cash and they consider giving cheques to be cashed over the counter to be unreasonable. Its a conspiracy you see. The banks convince employers that paying employees by EFT is convenient for them since they do not have to undertake the risk of handling cash and that senior management have better stuff to do than sign cheques. As a result anybody in employment or in certain lines of business has to open a bank account. Making your product a necessity is probably the best way to guarantee success of your business.

A few years back NIC introduced a new product (they called it innovative but there was nothing innovative about it iPods and DVDs are innovative a change in pricing is not) that had fixed charge of 800/= per month. In return the account holder would enjoy a myriad of services they did not need. Now 800/= per month comes to 9,600/= a year. 9,600/= a year is one months rent, can buy a descent DVD player, cell phone, suit e.t.c In my mind the benefit NIC purport to provide does not compare with a new DVD player or phone every year. The product was so successful that a Stanchart introduced a similar product for an affordable fee of 750/= and Barclays have now joined the bandwagon with a buquet of similar products priced at between 450/= and 1250/= depending on the range of unnecessary services you select. I spit on all of them and continue to maintain a bank account in protest.

A few months ago Stanchart started advertising personal loans again. They discontinued the product last year after interest rates short up from 0.8% to 8% and when they realised that in the eagerness to give out personal loans to all and sundry they had fallen victim to fraudsters. Honestly how can a thief complain about another thief stealing what they had stolen. I feel nothing for them. Anyway, the interest rate on the loan was either 19% or 21% my memory fails me. At around the same time they also introduced high interestn(5.5%) fixed deposit account with a minimum balance of 250K. Essentially if I gave Stanchart 250K they would pay me interest of 5.5% while if I borrowed the same amount from them they would charge me 19%. Making a reasonable margin is fare but the kind of margin they are earning is not right.

So like I was saying I had to open a bank account yesterday. I made it very clear to the consultant dealing with me that I wanted the most basic account. Basically one that can receive my salary and allow me to withdraw all of it as soon as possible. I was not interested in their high interest rate saving account, overdraft facilities, SMS banking or Internet banking. The charges I would have to incur or minimum balance I would have to maintain would not be comparable to the service provided. Below I compare charges on my new account to my Kenyan account.

- they will charge me a standing charge of 65/= per month in Kenya I am charged 500/= per month
- they require me to maintain at least 500/= but wont pay me interest on it. In Kenya I have a current account so endeavour to keep my balance at 0/=
- the will charge me 50/= every time I use the ATM unlike home where I am charged 25/= Remember they introduced ATMs to reduce their overhead costs but choose to charge us for the service
- They will charge me 30 + 0.9% of any amount I deposit through the ATM or over the counter. So if I start a biashara of selling curios they basically do not want my money. They want to keep things nice and simple with money coming in only once a month
- they will charge me 300 bop for withdrawing over the counter. Considering I cannot withdraw more than 15K at a time and I dont get a cheque book they mean to say they deserve 300 bop if I want to buy a TV, System or car
- And my favourite they will charge me 500/= for clearing a cheque and then take a cool 7 working days to clear the cheque. I bet the will not count the day I deposit the cheque as a day so it will actually be 8 days. Here Kenya beats them hands down with the 4 clear working days.

At least they did not require me to get a letter of introduction from one of their customers.

Last weekend and a few tit bits - by aJamaa

Still cant post so someone please put this up for me.

The first weekend was interesting. I know a Kenyan who works here but he dissed me all weekend, must have been with some chik, so I had to spend all the time alone. On Friday, I watched a movie, MI3 which was interesting and on Sato took a walk on the beach (bila chiks in bikinis though the water is too cold) and took a drive into the city (Im starting to get a hang of reading maps and finding my way after getting lost).I had a late lunch in the city and then got into a pub just after 6. Guys go out late here so the pub was pretty empty up to around 10pm. By the time the place was filling up, I was a bit high (hakuna Tusker the most popular beer is Amstel which has 5% alcohol) and since I was not sure about the way home had to leave early. On the way to the flat I discovered a short cut from the city so I stopped at a local pub and had one pynt. The interesting thing about the pub was that the average age of the patrons must have been like 40 both men and women. Beer ni expensive. A 350ml bottle of Heineken or Windhoek (both have around 4% alc) go for like 160/= in a pub.

I spent Sunday chilling bila hangie. Took a walk at the beach and went to church at 6pm. It was an interesting mass, did not know any of the songs and they did not have hymn books or bibles. Instead they had a projector which they used to project hymns and readings behind the altar. Pengine ndafika strip club by the end of the week or weekend.

Some tit bits
They call traffic lights robots, round-a-bouts circles, their dasani is called banqua, and have strange people names like Trudy,Elizma,Su-anne (must hav a bro called Billy-bob), Snyman, Somaya, Wessel e.t.c

I have seen a few no parking by order signs

Their Vodacom network suffers more congestion than Safaricom

Apparently one of the nuclear power stations broke down during routine maintenance resulting in blackouts/rationing a few weeks back and the poor folks did not have torches,candles or hurricane lamps

Traffic is also an issue here the other day a chik told me she took 1.5hrs to do 10kms. I still think Nbi traffic is worse

Parking for the day at a private building in centre costs up to KES 500. Apparently you cannot park in the streets since most parking spaces have time limits of 30 mins to 2 hours.

Somethin new under the sun

(voice of aJamaa)

I have been in Cape Town for the last two days and there's so much new stuff.
House

They got me a one bedroom flat by the sea side.So I have a pretty nice view of waves. The place is Ok, just OK. I have nice comfortable couch that a chik would find good for cuddling. However, it would be nice if I had DSTV and could figure out which radio station plays the kind of music I like and does not have presenters who talk all the time or every so often switch to Afrikaans or Xhosa.

Car

They got me a small Toyota, its even smaller than mine. And the damn thing is completely manual. It does not have power steering, power windows or central locking. I am also concerned about the fact that it does not have air bags. I have been getting lost and its just a matter of time before I get onto a one way driving the wrong side.Its a well known fact that I have a poor sense of direction. I am yet to make a single trip without getting lost. On the first day a guy from the office (who has the unenviable task of taking care of me) met me at the airport, hooked me up with the rental and asked me to follow me to where I will be staying. He then got into 'my' car so that he could show me the way to the office and show me where I can shop and get food. For a normal guy this would have been enough to guarantee that they find their way around. He also gave me a map so that I can find my way around.I have gotten lost everytime since then. On the first day I got lost going out for dinner. On the second day I got lost coming to the office and then got lost again getting back to the house. Today morning I missed a turn on my way to the office and ended up on a free way (the damn thing has three lanes going one way) but luckily I was able to turn off it after a 5kms.

Office

The office is very white. There is surprisingly a good proportion of women. I also find people to be a bit older than Kenya where the average age of guys in the office must be 28, but I might be wrong white guys look older than they really are. Just look at Roonie. The other thing about the office is that guys are more comfortable speaking Afrikaans than English. I have not been assigned any jobo yet, they are not sure what to do with me so they will probably toss me from one training session to another. Guys also dont have to wear suits which is good but it also means I will have to buy some trousers. A guy can gate away with wearing three suits but not three trousers.

Cooking

It was so cold yesterday evening that I did not want to go out for dinner. I was also a bit full so decided to have a little snack. I decided to make a sandwitch using sausages that I got earlier in the evening. I take the frying pan out, add a bit of olive oil and toss in two sausages. After a few minutes the damn thing start swelling at an increasing rate. I decide to pock them with a knife to stop the inevitable explosion. The stuff inside starts leaking out. The damn things now look like slags that have been squashed. They start smoking so I add some fat which jumps right out of the pan and onto my hands. The place has so much smoke I am concerned the security guard my come to check it out. I take the pan out of the fire and survey the damage. The bleeding slugs are badly burnt outside but the insides dont look cooked.I toss them into the bin thinking that I am better of paying for more sausages than going to hosi with food poisoning.I still have four sausages (I assume they are sausages, the pack says bangers) and I am determined to have some of them. The microwave must be able to do it. I remember the manual of the microwave back at home had instructions on how to cook sausages. So I take one (for test purposes) and throw it in the microwave. I start with the first level, my concern is that the damn thing will burst so I want to take it slowly. It survives the first level but is not cooked. Feeling braver I toss it back in and put the dial at level 2. It swells, suddenly the oven gets steamy so I cannot see inside, I panic and turn off the microwave. I take it out and alas it is bigger but not yet cooked. What can a guy do at this stage but put it back in? So I do the only thing I could and the invetable happens it bursts. When I take it out it has shrunk and is not cooked. I deduce that it will never get cooked and if it does I wont eat so it joins its siblings in the bin. I take out some ham, and tomatoes (which are raw even though they are a bright red) from the fridge and make a nice sandwitch. I sit with the door open in an attempt to clear some of the smoke and enjoy the sandwitch wondering how the hell a guy can cook sausages without makaa.Today, morning I take eggs I bought on Wednesday out of the fridge and on breaking two of them they had already gone bad.
I need my mummy.

This and that .........

Boarding a matatu must be a frightening prospect for many Nairobi women.
Check this scene out. A matatu speeds at 100+ kph with the passenger door wide open. The lady sitting next to the door is absolutely terrified and holds the metal bars infront with a vice-like grip.
When the door is not fully open, it is half open. A makanga wearing a brown trouser (to notice that the trouser was once crimson requires some serious powers of observation and deduction)
is hanging perilously at said door. His trouser zip is only centimeters away from her cringing nose; She tries to put as much distance between her distance between her nose and the man's zipper without much success. There is a gentleman of considerable girth who seems to occupy the entire seat.
The last straw is when she alights. In a hurry to escape the approaching policeman, the matatu takes off abruptly, throwing her offbalance. Shoes and things fly off in all directions.
Sad.

I am going home on Wednesday night after hanging out with yes, the regular introverted crew.
Somewhere in West a fight breaks out in the mathree. The aggressor is thoroughly beaten
up, but I think he has that funny blood clotting condition because he bleeds profusely.
Suddenly the man starts wailing in a hollow, animal sound and I start thinking he must be
dying. Two policemen materialize from nowhere and imagine its a hijack situation.
Rifles cock.
I feel every last strand of hair on my head get prickly.
The driver quickly alerts the police that its only two drunk blokes fighting.
Guns at ease.
One guy bolts and is almost shot. The policemen chase after him. The guy who was bleeding feels his pockets and suddenly exclaims that someone has stolen his 25,000. I am not going to
stick around for that sht. I promptly jump out of the window and head to Choices.
Where I meet another lunatic near the door who almost shoves me into a car exclaiming:
"I need some weed man. GIVE ME SOME WEED!!".


Blip. Blip. Bliiiiiiiiiiiip. Going off radar. Fellows, its out in the open. I am flat
broke and the month is not even started yet. I am never going to get a credit card. Or
debit card. Too much temptation.
When she calls, and she will call, I will say, my dear, I got robbed.

Her: Lets go to Carni.
Me: I have to go to work tomorrow (which is a lie) plus I am broke.
Her: I am not broke. I got lots of cash (opens purse to reveal a thick wad of Kshs
1000 notes)
I had this conversation with a lady of about 25 to 27 years sometime ago. I had only
known her name and a few other details for about only the previous one hour. I have heard chilling stories of people who have gone out with beautiful strangers only to wake up without
their kidneys and liver. Others, have been seduced by women, drugged and raped by gay
men.
The possibility of great fun or a remote possibility of losing my internal organs, or
possible bodily harm? It was a no-brainer. I went home. The Nairobi fun scene is fraught
with danger.

Said my mouthful for the week.

@aJamaa. Are you freezing yet? Tried calling you but you must have been on a plane. We were on a roll on Wednesay and we wanted you to abort your flight and training and drink beer! Happy ....learning. You achieve that dream that was only alluded to but never mentioned.