Monday, March 03, 2008

Clocks.

Do men have a clock?
Sadly, Yes.

A man can get married late in life and produce kids because biology is not the same as justice and therefore there is no fairness involved. All one needs is a few shillings, what appears to be a good outlook and future in life and you are set. This happens a lot. There is a lot of stuff to be done. A guy might want to drive around town in a Subaru twin-turbo and use 30 grand in fuel per month before he decides that money might be better spent on nappies. Buy something Kamikaze calls Techniks. May be two Techniks, one for the tableroom and the other for the toilet;


Apparently, blokes who marry when they are 28 to 33 are onto something. This is the time, I am reliably told, that you have the highest chances of meeting a "Best Fit". Best Fit, is a concept born out of cold, dispassionate logic. Let no one cheat you that they marry out of mad love. Men are brilliant actors. "Best Fit" then, comprises of qualities such as fair looking, intelligent, has a career, healthy, reputable social circles, projects an ability to take care of a man and family et cetera et cetera. This is the type of woman who can accompany you to boring company luncheon, where your boss is in attendance. And other bosses,...and other important people too. She is not supposed to wolf down the food, wine and chocolates as if the country has just come out of a long starvation spell; Or you can introduce to your friends, where for instance the brilliant aJamaa is; meaning that she can handle six pronged questions, can't start and sustain intelligent conversation.

Ever wondered why sane, sober and virile men leave drop-dead gorgeous women and marry the pale sister who looks like yesterday's dinner by comparison?
Best Fit. It is a powerful concept this.

How do you arrive at a best fit then? You look at what I would like to call the "No Fits". And in this case the high end "No Fits".

The very gorgeous
Most have serious flaws if you look past the fine face, body and booty. While God has given some women everything to demonstrate how far the fineness of a species can go, many lack above-average intelligence. They get an incredible amount of attention from men and therefore you will get an attention contest on your hands. Continuing that line, they don't have a lot denied them because who are we kidding, everyone loves a beautiful person. You do not want to deeply probe the mind of someone like Naomi Campbell because you might be shocked. Vanity is also huge with gorgeous women; Fashion, looks et cetera. This might eventually interfere with your grand plan of presenting a grand-son to your Mum. Words like "baby, we need to save a little something for the future, to pay for the house" might as well have been mouthed by an ancient priest in Latin,...which is odd because of the reply "BUT I really want that HANDBAG!!Its Prada!!!". Soon comes the blackmail. The first order of battle is read (which means you don't get any)...then there is the rich man's son, or the unrepentant playboy who moves around in a BMW. He will see your prize catch as sport and as you examine charts and thousands of rows of forecasts or twisting code in the office, your wife is getting her brains fu**ed out.
No Fit.

The very intelligent.
She has read Homer's Odyssey and has five degrees. She has a deep grasp of ....everything, including your expertise and regularly gives you lectures on how to do things. A casual conversation with the mates on the awful weather will devolve into ions, electrons, tectonic plate movements, global warming, chemical composition of pollutants, international law, international politics ...until people will not talk in her presence. People who fu**ed around a lot during University did not have much time to read. People who read a lot did not f*ck. You might be tempted to think these are two opposites; They are not. They are on a different plane altogether. Let me take you back to that enterprising period in our lives when we were in high school. When there was some mindless function and some gorgeous girls happened to have come, who talked to the girls? And which girls were talked to? You are right of course. The smooth guys were quick to snatch away the best looking women; And the women can also tell you that no one bothered with nerdy looking chics with scraggy hair and carried an Abbot under their arm. You see where I am going with this. Brilliant women are mostly not gorgeous. ANY man will tell you, under ordinary circumstances, deep powers of imagination, resilience, strong will and DARKNESS are required to repeatedly have sex with a physically un-exciting woman.

The very rich
They are a product of two things.
1) Intelligence
2) Family
I have already talked about intelligence so if she is rich as well you are doubly f**ked. Enough said.
If she has a rich family you get a arrogance from her kin by the bucketloads. You are the wimp who cannot afford a palatial mansion in Muthaiga and are subjecting their daughter to Prefab housing without constant heated water, pool and Jacuzzi!! You can't afford Hawaii? Where the hell on the world map is Seychelles? And even then you need a loan to cushion the Seychelles trip which occurs once a decade. Lets suppose you are an idiot and follow her to the mansion that she has either bought with her hard-earned money or- was given by her daddy as a wedding present. You will have no cojones in that house. None whatsoever. You, cannot call the mates for some friendly chat as you roast the side of an unfortunate mbuzi. And then rich girls are used to a certain lifestlye, especially the daddy-girls; Perhaps a weekly imprest of 50,000? where on God's green earth are you going to find that?

There you go then.

So how is "Best Fit" related to the 28 to 33ish age bracket? Its all about the great betrayer called time and common sense.
Slide over the 40 year old mark and life's weariness starts getting to you. Any girl with common sense and who is at her prime (23-27, you want someone properly schooled and with a job somewhere ..) will immediately realize: This guy is a bit too old for me. The age gap is too great to have much in common. It therefore follows that the girls who stick to you at this juncture either do not have much sense; have an ulterior motive (like getting your money!!); or are past their prime. You have already started losing. The solid, sensible, decent looking chic will not wait around forever. She will be taken. And she will not have you if you go too far into the pale side.

Bam! The "Best Fit" theory. I love it when bullsh*t comes together so neatly.

So what are you left with?

Luckily for men, things are not as bad as with the women and their problems with conceiving and stuff. No no no. You are stuck with a phenomenon called "Fuc*ing below the line"; And it is great. I do it all the time when I do not have time to put on a complicated show for some slick woman. There is this gorgeous chic that we have tumbled in the hay on a few occassions; She has her very own version of Miss Jackson by Outkast which goes ..
I am suddenly Jackson, ooooooooh
I am so real,
Never made the doctor doctor cry ....
And its not just songs. There are other things she does that make me squirm but,....
Its all good. I am still a young man.

I have never heard of first ladies who have done incredibly insane things like storm corporate offices and slap reporters; I am sure you have heard stories where some wife refused a dignitary a dance simply because she is not cultured enough. Can you picture what on earth Lucy and Laura Bush talked about when she visited Washington? Beats me too. But I can imagine a guy thinking " Oh dear earth please swallow me NOW!!"

Best Fit. Think about it.

2 Comments:

Blogger aJamaa said...

And so luv has nothing to do with it. Pole Kamikaze I had to go and use that word again.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008 5:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 8:55:00 PM  

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