Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Lost my way

I think I have lost my way. I dont seem to have control of what is happening basically because I do not know what I want to happen. As a result I just go with the flow. I have never been a guy who plans his life. I am not one of those people who have five year plans with clearly defined objectives they want to achieve. In my view plans are based on assumptions of options available and what is actually desirable. The problem with a plan is that you may be so focused on achieving certain goals that you miss out on emerging opportunities. Of course the real reason is that I am a lazy guy who will not be bothered with planning ahead when he can survive without having to do so.

This philosophy of plans being bad things has worked for me all my life. A guy leaves primo then goes to high school after which he goes to campo then gets a job. Not too much choice about the whole process. It is a clearly defined sequence. I have played the game as it was designed, its nearly six years since I left campo and I have been working for the same guys. I find myself wondering What next? Is this it? Am I supposed to do this for another ten years? I need that person who defined the primo, seco, campo path to come and tell me what is supposed to happen now.

Two things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me question my life even further. The first happened during a lunch date with one my workmates. He called me up at around midday saying he was bored and wanted to go for an early lunch. I had delivered a deliverable earlier in the morning so his suggestion was pretty attractive. Since we had time we decided to go to Rosina. The place always brings back fond memories of second year and third year. We were having a nice heart to heart discussion on the silliness of the jobs we choose to do when he asked me where I saw myself in five years. Maybe it was the sun or the fact that I had been checking out freshas and seeing how young they looked I realised just how old I have become. The question really threw me off. I have now idea what I want to be in five years. I cannot form a picture of the kind of person I want to be then. The problem is if I do not do anything about I will still be something but there is a risk I will not like what I am.

The second event occured on Sato. I have been doing some jobo at some bank that like all other banks is changing its systems. I was sitted next to this chick from SA who works for the vendor she must be like 23 or 24 full of life and always looking for a good laugh. We got to talking and at some point she asked me how long I have been working. She was really taken aback when I said six years. She gave me a look of, 'you poor boy'. That got me thinking about the last six years of my life. I have very fond memories of the first three years after campus but the last two have not been anything to write home about.

The interesting thing is that I have a myriad of options. I do not have a wife and kids to pull me down. I do not feel pressure to succeed at work. I am not pressured by what everybody else is doing. I have come to appreciate that money aint a thing. I am therefore free to do what I want. Just cant tell what it is I want.

I feel different. I am not the same person I was four years ago. I feel lost. I am seeking for a purpose in life. A passion. Something that drives me. A sense of direction.


Blogger Samborera said...

You've mentioned this before. Can't seem to shake it off, huh. It's OK not to have a plan. Not to know what you want. Your words.

I felt so lost I was compelled to put a hold on my life, literally, so as to find my way. Rather extreme and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone. If I was in a movie I would have been one of those guys who go off to the himalayas. So far it's not been filled with eureka moments. Perhaps because I've mainly been sleeping rather than meditating and such. But it's been useful for me.

Like someone postulated. Nobody can tell you your purpose or what it's all about. You can explore, read, listen but eventually it's one of those things you'll have to internalize or convince yourself about. Understand it your own way.

One thing that helps, I think, is not to get too caught up. In whatever. It aint a thing.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 6:14:00 PM  

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