Third time

The first time was novel. I guess that's an intrinsic characteristic of firsts. Quite distressing actually and I did falter. The second time was even more distressing. Same script different shooting location. I was convinced, like the first time, that it was something I needed to do. Really. But I faltered again. Couldn't say No. Or No thanks.

So it's come down to this. The third time. No adrenalin this time, and nowhere nearly as distressing. Even though I had so much more to lose than the previous times. I tried to explain it to someone as a sabbatical but they indicated that I was too young to be doing that kind of thing. So I'll call it rehab. One year's worth. I've always insisted that I have fundamental issues which I need to address. And that's my main, broad idea. Either I find something to do that isn't crap, or [seeing as everything is crap], sort my head out and find a way to cope and embrace all the crap that comes my way. It amazes me how everyone complains about their job.

Been at home for 2 weeks now. Have had to answer that dreaded question "What are you up to?" quite a few times. Not once have I been brave enough to say the truth. "Nothing". Too scared that people will think [correctly perhaps] that I'm crazy. Or avoiding having to answer the inevitable follow up questions, and alleviate the disbelief that comes with resigning from my job. My boss was telling me that I had a really nice path out ahead of me. Perhaps. But. This is something I wanted to do 2 years ago. Take a step [or many] back and pause before going on.