Thursday, April 26, 2007

PAIN

What is Pain?
That was a rhetorical question you A-Types, scanning your terra-sized data
banks/brains for an answer.

0.5.
Pain is getting hit on by an obviously deranged woman. Deranged because she
can't seem to sit still. Cause she screams every time the Dj changes the
song (you can't love ALL songs). Deranged cause she keeps jumping up and
down in front of you so that you notice her. Deranged cause she keeps asking
you mundane, brain numbing, will-shoot-myself-if-you-talk-to-me-again
questions "Why did the Dj play that song?". All you can see on the face of
the guy who is supposed to answer the said question is pure anguish. He has
a question of his own - "Why in tarnations did I sit here?!!" But he keeps
it to himself.

Kamikaze.
Pain is trying to watch soccer in a pub where there are two sets of people
determined to block your view.
One set is a group of three crazy women of whom TheDerangedOne is a member
of. Like and like. They came to the pub with a set of compasses and a plan:
Map Kamikaze's line of vision to TV-A and then block said line by constantly
dancing. Even if the song sucks. Keep dancing. In a group, tight formation,
this guy won't even sneak a peek at a football boot. Take turns to sit/take
a sip of your drink/go to the ladies. There must be at least two people here
to make sure the mission does not fail.
The other set is a single entity - a very wide guy who just had to seat near
the Tellie, in your direct line of vision to TV-B.

Want more pain?

0.5.
Pain is being stalked over the phone. For at least a year. Gentle persuasion
has failed with the lady. Brash answers have gone begging. Neglecting to
answer any messages/phone calls/emails doesn't work with this person. Pure
unbridled anger simply makes you more appealing to this lady. She even gets
to stalk your buddy so as to try and get to you. Pain is her constantly
calling your phone while you are trying to watch soccer/drink beer/find
another potential stalker. Pain is having to resort to asking your buddy's
friend to answer the phone and pretend to be your girlfriend. Pain is
knowing that even this might not be enough, like trying to body-check
Agwambo's Hummer as it heads towards Kisumu. Pain is realising too late that
whatever you do, she will stalk you till the end of time.

0.5.
Pain is having another member of your group of stalkers show up at the pub
while you are enjoying yourself watching women shake their behinds with a
glass of that pure gold in front of you at almost sub-zero temperature. Pain
is having to start acting like you are very high so that she will leave you
alone. Pain is not being able to kick her in the teeth as she assaults you,
rubbing herself on you, sticking her tongue in your mouth which is firmly
glued together. Pain is taking a swig of your beer to "try and hide the
smell of cigarette smoke cause my girlfriend doesn't know I smoke". Pain is
her taking another swig. Pain is finally realising that resistance is
futile. All that is left is to head for the hills. Pain is leaving the pub
before you had to because its either that or a jail sentence.

There is so much pain. But there is always Friday.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

applause! applause!
This is a gr8 piece....kwani what happened to Sams...ama he is coding his way to MICROSOFT LOL!!!

.5 if i could get ur email, it wud b really helpful.
U can getme at - domquem@gmail.com
Keep up guys!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007 8:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

avoiding the said pain is blocking the said stalkers number. And if by doing this, the said stalker finds a way of getting to you.........then you are a dead man.Lay down and take it.

Thursday, April 26, 2007 8:38:00 PM  
Blogger Princess said...

This was hilarious!!

Saturday, April 28, 2007 1:58:00 AM  

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