Monday, April 23, 2007

Artefacts

Its morning. you are awake ...you look at the mirror and see a lion staring right back at you ala the Pilsner advert. You look at the bed and there is the evidence. Josefina. She is lying there, sedate and sated. You look down. Sly devilish smile forms around your lips. Salute, Colonel. That was an excellent military campaign. Agents were dropped deep inside enemy territory. Immediately neutered the uprising there....

If one mission has succeeded there is no harm in starting another. This time it is Angelina. Skirt hemlines are at the waist, trouser waists are at the ankles. Yet locomotion is achieved, eyes half closed in ruptures of passion, defying known and unknown laws of gravity, navigation and inertia. In the bedroom and she stiffs up, perks up her nose. You are imagining its your magic, releasing too much electricity in her system. You are in the mechanics of removing your trousers when suddenly:

"WHAT THE **** IS THIS?"

She is holding high in the air what seems to look like a woman's underwear. You do not answer "Honey, thats just underwear" because
1) you are not stupid
2) the look on her eyes can drill a well in the ground.
It is not one of hers of course. Your mind seems to register that Josefina of last week was wearing something quite like that...

Hmmmmm.....how to get out of this one? What business does a piece of woman's underwear have in your bedroom? Yeah right! You remember how it came there. Certainly not by the enraged woman standing in front of you.
It is a murderous setup. Brilliantly disguised as an affectionate omission. Meanwhile, it earns your jaw a stinging slap. The colonel will not be getting any because intel and operational security really suck.

After she storms out, without even bothering to smooth her hair (that really convinces you diplomacy is not going to work), all one can do is ask himself some rather amusing questions. For instance how Josefina managed to walk back home in a skirt without underwear? Truth is she didn't. Those handbags carry quite a handful.....

The man who has been slapped, and left high and dry knows how and where to look. In your messy pile of novels, newspapers and DVDs will be earrings, earring stoppers, pendants, nail polish, lip gloss, lipstick...the list is endless. There might be a surprise in your closet or in the ruffled bedsheets, like a bra or underwear. You should know that she knows that last Wednesday, there were 17 condoms in your drawer. You used only 1 (you lousy, useless bast*d) and even then there was much utility left in the rubber merchandise. Leaving 16 then. Her perfume hangs in their air for decades to come.

Josefina and Angelina (and any other you might have, unless they are of the fun-costs-money persuasion) look for these tell-tales. Every time. Has another woman been here? Stock taking time! Its done quickly, discreetly and very expertly while you are in the loo. If the cds do not add up to sixteen (either more or less - screwed either way) there will be problems .....Its either advanced Agatha Christie type of investigations or pure marking of territory.

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