Thursday, August 24, 2006

1996

10 years.

I was in form three in a boys boarding school.

There were 2 tribes. Those who belonged to 600+ mark and those who were on the lesser side of 600.
There were 2 more tribes. Those from Nairobi (those from Nakuru were given some mention). The rest of the places were just one big in-distinguishable country.
I belonged to all the wrong sides of course.

Attained immunity that year by completing three painful steps.
i) Laugh in the face of the cane - accomplished by taking upto twelve strokes without moving a muscle, and not afraid to come again in the afternoon for another helping.
ii) Disobey every prefect
iii) Still make it to the list of top ten students in the stream.
I became a misnomer. A curious point of interest to teachers and aspiring psycho-analysts. But more importantly, instead of being caned, the teacher would try to advise and counsel me. The prefects gave up on me and I could get away with pretty much anything except the serious stuff.

Witnessed a man and a woman having sex in a drainage trench while hiding behind a thicket (during august holidays). The excitement was unbearable. I don't think I blinked through the entire session. You bet I told that story for a long time to come.

There were only two entities in the musical universe: Tupac Shakur, Bone Thugs and Harmony.

Was once busted in nearby town having sneaked out by the headmaster. Once he stopped the car I took off. But he caught a glimpse of my face. I latched onto a lorry which ferried me most of the distance. The rest I tore through bushes and coffee plantations like Justin Gatlin on Kryptonite and just made it in time for the roll call.
"Haven't I seen in you town just 10 minutes ago?" [that was about 8 km from school]
"Must have been a mistake, ...sir"

Rice and beans was a feast. That used to happen on Tuesday and Friday lunch. Toppee we used to call it, if I remember correctly. On sunday morning they served boiled eggs. The spectacle of the mad dash to the dining hall is comparable to the wildebeest crossing the Mara to Tanzania.

The murram (githeri), could catch fire back in those days. The cooks used to liberally dose the stuff with paraffin! The paraffin was supposed to suppress libido.

I was a breezer. A breezer was someone who could not 'hook' any of the girls who came around for sports, or those funkies. Ahhh the funkies! Blazers were washed to till they gleamed, shoes were shined, the shirts and trousers were ironed till they could stand on their own. Some enterprising folk owned non-standard issue Hugo Boss white shirts and blazers bought from School Outfitters. These they would hire out to the smoothies for the princely price of two Eaton loaves a piece. It was a roaring business.

During 96, a fellow called Emmanuel invented the 'Hook a Thwack' compe. The participants would all hedge their bets and each offer one loaf of bread as collateral (bread was a POWERFUL medium). The judging panel (which included anyone in form 3) would sit on a half-wall outside the dh on a sports day or funkie day. A participant was supposed to hook the ugliest chic and walk her by the panel of judges. Jeering or hooting was strictly forbidden.
The winner took home all the bread.

A chic's dancing costume slipped off during Provincial Music Festivals in Nyeri. She was standing topless, no bra, on the stage. The roar was deafening. She danced stoically to the end of the piece.

The english teacher (form four), had a habit of walking with her head down. Some boys were having a 'wire festival' after rugby practice. ('wire' pronounced 'wee-ray'- a higly favoured way of showering using the washroom instead of the bathroom. Buckets were employed, and Quencher juice cans cut in half were used to draw the water from the buckets)
The boys see the teacher coming, pull out chairs and sit down stark naked in her path. She could not see them from far because there was a building blocking the view. Woman almost fainted when she rounded the bend.

A biology teacher, female, made the unfortunate mistake of walking into a dormitory where boys were having a 'sorghum sake' (strong alchoholic drink that shipped in plastic bottle - since banned) party. Someone switched the lights out and boys had a good feel of her boobs and butt. The incident was never reported. She however always tried to discern her molesters in class by deeply looking into everyone's eyes.

For 300 bob, you could have sex with Janice (a cousin of the Dean of Studies). 100 bob was for paying of Pechi, our dorm prefect, for the use of his secluded quarters. Everything else was arranged. She was a veritable woman. The queues were long, sometimes upto 5 guys at one go. Sometimes a dude would not be allowed to run the course of his full term and would be pulled off after 3 rocking motions. Sht! Sentries patrolled outside with hockey sticks. All this happened during the day on Saturday because she had to be at home during the evening! Her entry into the dorm was a masterpiece in stealth and subterfuge. She would be dressed in the school uniform and drape a sweater over her head like one who had a fever!
All the people who dipped their pen into the inkwell were sworn to an Omerta. Breach of the silence could get you beaten up very badly. Janice had finished form four in 1993. Of course the worst happened. One of the boys burst a cd and she got pregnant. To head off the impending scandal, she was shipped off to Germany for further studies.

Perhaps the most important is that I would have been a doctor today (assuming I could have survived the 5 gruelling years). Until we visited The British Council Library as a class. Naturally, I rushed to the medical section and pulled out a large Pathology book. The images were large, detailed and in colour. They were the most disturbing images I have ever seen. No more doctor for 0.5.

Thursday. Counting

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading this blog site religiously for the longest of time without ever feeling the compulsive need to comment. This classic piece though begs to be commented on: Thankyou 0.5; I now know one thing for sure: There is no way in hell am taking my son to boarding school!

Friday, August 25, 2006 2:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I concur with the above.
How can I join/contribute to this blog? There's too much testosterone up in here

Friday, August 25, 2006 5:24:00 PM  
Blogger aJamaa said...

I have very fond memories of 96 too. I bought my first beer, Medusa and Gin. I went to F2, Maddi, Jungle, Vybe Star, Carni and Bubbles for the first time. The most important thing in school was playing rugby and my mum thought I was getting 'lost'.

Some of the best movies ever were released that year: Shaw Shanks Redemption and Usual suspects

I was serious breezer. Actually I still am.

I turned into a petty criminal in boarding school. I learnt how to disappear in a crowd which allowed me to get into all sorts of mischief without getting caught.

Why did things have to change?

Friday, August 25, 2006 7:57:00 PM  
Blogger Samborera said...

Kumbe the blog still has readers. Who knew.

I smuggled a walkman to school just to listen to the Bone Thugs album. Art of War I think it was.

Monday, August 28, 2006 2:14:00 PM  
Blogger 0.5 said...

@anonymous - I read other blogs too - never comment. Perhaps yours is a favourite of mine as well

@joiner - You will have to first reveal your handle, and then talk to Kamikaze, the owner of the blog, who is kind of underground right now.

@philosopha - we had some rich, spoilt brats. Janice was BEAUTIFUL.

@ajamaa - I could man-cut seriously....until I was tackled by some malevolent guy and quit. I did about 4 days of rugby and retired. I checked into Bubbles for the first time on October 22, 1999, day one on campus. I can never forget because I gathered enough guts and talked to a dazzling nairobi type chic. The response was a spirited 'Hi' back. I kept telling myself '0.5, we have arrived. We are in the big leagues!'

@samborera - The first Art of War was the album! But the second was lucklustre. Then Makavelli. We just went nuts! Times change. Tupac passed and BTNH just can't rap anymore. Ah well. May be its just as well. There will be two schools of rap. The old rap (domino,tupac, biggie, kurupt) and this new stuff by akina 50 cent.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Kamikaze said...

Just chanced to pass by. Would have loved to meet Janice. We never did have any Janices, unless I was never informed. I did most of my fornicating away from school, from 95, to date. Hook a thwack. That we had too, never participated though, would have burst out laughing.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 5:41:00 PM  
Blogger Samborera said...

I happened to get the Makavelli tape before most. Bought it in Tz. [insert long story here]. I couldn't believe my luck. Hadn't even known of the album. Also got Da Brat's album, can't remember the name... With hits like Sitting on top of the world. Tz were [are?] way ahead in music terms.

I don't listen to rap/hip-hop anymore. This new kind that is.

Thursday, August 31, 2006 7:33:00 AM  

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