Observer effect
I was introduced to blogging around mid last year. I promptly created an account on Blogger and put in a couple of posts. I stopped just as fast as I'd started. Something was missing. It felt empty and cold. Tangibly so.
Around the same time, Kamikaze set up this blog and invited a couple of guys to join. I did and once again did the obligatory couple of posts. What kept me going beyond these hello world posts was the fact that 0.5 was also posting. The blog now wasn't only for releasing pent up frustrations, but a way to know what guys were up to. And boy those were interesting times. In my defence, I was on mind altering substances.
For the longest time, it was just 0.5 and myself. At some point, I started trawling the web for other blogs to look at. I remember. It was December and we were like 3 guys in the office who'd used up our leave days and had to work. The first blog I started reading was KenyanGal's. I also happened to be the first to post a comment there. She's since deleted the original blog. Then I stumbled on lots of other blogs written by Kenyans. Mostly female. What can I say. I wasn't even xenophobic though. There was VB and one apparently manic-depressive girl from down under. I wonder what happened to her. I'll have to look her up.
Anyway. I was shocked to find people [other than 0.5] leaving comments on this blog. Even more so when I realised that some were actually reading it. I mean. That just turned my blogging world upside down. I can think of one post where I put c++ code, albeit of a trivial variety. I surely can't write about encounters with married women, or stopping gorgeous women on the street.
The observer effect has kicked in. I mostly write from my heart. aJamaa was telling me the other day how some of my posts aren't well thought out. And that's exactly correct. I don't think too much about what I write. I put down anything that comes to mind. I don't write to improve my writing skills or seek debate on social issues. I write what I feel. How I feel. cosmic leap once remarked how personal my posts were. With only a couple of guys watching, and a reasonable degree of anonymity, I felt comfortable letting it all out. Laying it bare. Undressing. Bearing my soul.
The observer effect, though, dictates that things can't quite remain the same. I feel the difference, even as I write this.
posted by Samborera @ 12:49
7 Comments:
I remember the first time you commented on my dearly departed blog!! LOL I swear if it wasnt for you and Poi I wouldn't be on the blogosphere today. Anyway, Like D-shy I also like the way you write from the heart and that is what I am struggling to do to. As in I don't want to be debating or intelectual or whatever, I want to write what I feel and use my blog as a way of expressing myself and my state of mind. Though that observer effect is a monster to reckon with, if you cut off its head two grow back
Hey you! Welcome back. Been too lost.
I thought I came back earlier in the week. It seems only aJamaa noticed.
D - I've seen KM's. Will she have any brains left? Need to check out Ms K's. I need to warn you though, that my big toe is rather big. How many fantas before you get all tipsy and giggly? Then you can really clutch me to your lovely self. I can feel eyes on us. We should get a room.
I'd promised myself I'd come back to this some time so here I am...
I struggle too, with how much I'm putting myself out there when I blog. But it's interesting to me that the observer that concerns you is the observer who does not know you.
I struggle more, much more, with the observers who know me, especially those who can read something and immediately pick up the phone and call, wanting to discuss stuff. Because putting it online is all the discussion I want to have most of the time. And this not because I am not true to myself because sometimes it seems to me, I'm too true to myself in this format for my own good.
My friends tell me this blogging phase of my life has been eye opening for them as I'm typically reticent, not apt to share much about myself. But writing makes me lay myself bare in ways that surprise even me.
So I've had people quote back to me something I've written and been startled at the thought that I'm actually keeping a public diary under a recognisable name.
I think to myself
'what on earth are you doing? You must be careful what you write'
and so I am for a while but when I read what I've been writing during that period when I've been cautious, I realise that the writing is wooden and unseemly and not at all what I'd like to be identified with.
And I'm reminded that for some people, writing which doesn't come from the heart is not writing worth reading and I'm one of those people. So I cast away my fears and begin to 'dance like no one is watching' until the next time.
For what it's worth, there's nothing as refreshing as reading what comes from someone's heart, which you do.
And though it is difficult, it's not entirely impossible to be yourself, even when you know you're being watched.
All the above to say, don't loose what makes your posts authentic.
Other Introverts reading doesn't affect me that much because these guys know me and how I think, and I can be myself around them. And we hardly ever discuss posts outside of the blogosphere. However, I can't exactly be myself around those who I don't have such a relationship with. For these, I have to put up a facade and maintain a reputation. It helps that I don't have outlandish escapades to write about. My life isn't that interesting. Whatever the case, I've been rather wooden of late.
I'd thought of asking you out for a couple of drinks but I'd feel that more self conscious if you also knew me, in a more intimate way than just Samborera.
that reminds me, samborera--how did you find me? i'm not kenyan. i'm american. what about my writing caused you to start reading my blog?
just curious. i don't really seem to fit in w/the rest of your readers, culturally or personality-wise. i'm most definitely NOT an introvert! and i really don't get kenyan slang so half the time i don't even understand the comments others leave. so i'm curious to know how i fit in.
i'm assuming you are kenyan? as your typical american, i know absolutely nothing about kenya other than where it is on a map. :) i apologize for that. but maybe i can look some stuff up today....
VB - I'm not sure how exactly I came across your blog, but with a name like yours, I'm not surprised I did. And post titles like Heavy Petting on a Wednesday Night make a guy come back. I wasn't looking for any particular kind of blogs, Kenyan or otherwise and I don't fuss about style of writing.
Indeed I am Kenyan. Answering all those questions for the blogger profile was such a hussle. No need for apologies. At least you know where Kenya is. What gets to me is when people refer to Africa like it's one huge country a la "He's from Africa".
As I've mentioned, I really didn't consider myself as having 'readers' so you fit in just fine. It's not even my blog. I do feel for you when I write stuff in sheng and generally about local experiences. Which reminds me. Why do YOU read this blog, red knickers and all.
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