Why Wed?

People have come to place too much emphasis in these life changing events, for instance weddings. Pause for a minute and think:
What is the rationale for spending close to 500,000 big ones on a single day of bliss (to the woman and her family - I am yet to meet a man who was too thrilled to be married).

And that is just the wedding day only. Everyday fills me with dread. Do you know how much patience, dedication and nerve it takes to get a woman to the altar? It starts with the aunts and uncles. These suddenly grow to a huge number, like two hundred. They enter the scene dramatically and declare themselves experts in giving away daughters. The motions of giving away the daughter occur in restaurants where people have to eat and drink. At your expense dear brother.
As long as a guy is providing food and drink in unrestricted fashion, laughter is long and full of mirth. The drunk, inconsequential uncle will eat from the same table from the rich one. They will hug, laugh and enjoy the good times.

There is no hurrying in this business. It will take as many meetings as necessary to iron out small issues. A brother will be tapped for funds. This or that small project. And the guy has to help or else a very undesirable reputation will stick with him.

Then comes the delicate matter of dowry. Here you get shaved real close my friend. The amount paid depends on how obnoxious the in-laws are. If they are undiplomatic and un-relenting, then a man loses a considerable part of his fortune. At this point, you start hearing things like how well the girl is educated, her good character and how she has always helped in building her own parents home. And then you, my friend, want to take her away. You will nod and agree.
Woe unto you if you had made the mistake of having lived with girl. To the withered old men (they are usually about 55, and are chiefly the girl's father, his friends and brothers), this is a grave matter. They even have a word for it in my mother tongue. The fines are heavy.
Oh? Thinking you are cosmopolitan, well bred and speak your native tongue with a slight inflection of English? And that you might just be spared of this muck raking? Think again.

Come the day itself and your wife-to-be will not be satisfied until you have proved beyond any shadow of doubt that your wedding will be bigger and pompier than Sally's. It is not worthy of her until half the produce of Naivasha's flower farms is hauled in; There should be 1000 choir girls, all of the same height, dressed in white silk. The bride will want a dress that is similar to the Princess Diana was married. A Toyota Corolla won't do, only a Merc. The jewellery has to produce its own light. The list is endless.
All the time, your bank balance is rolling down like the digits on casino slot machines.

And the people eat. And drink. Prominent people come. The event gets some mention in the gossip columns which are sprouting in the dailies like a rapidly spreading epidemic. For gifts, the bride and groom get glassware, forks and spoons that can feed half the Chinese army in one sitting.

Sunday comes, followed closely by the rest of their entire lives. Reality is that the couple is broke. Probably took a loan, or depleted their savings. Probably both. To forget, the man and wife will go for a honeymoon.

So what to do?

1) Walk to the AG's office and get on with it.
2) Have only six people attending. You, your parents and hers. The rest of the world be damned (you are already asking how this can be done? Hang on).

Short Snappy Wedding.
1) Talk sense into your girl. Impress on her the need to spend little for the sake of the future.
2) Hatch plan. Execute plan.
3) Girl wilfully falls pregnant (if such a thing is possible).
4) Guy makes as if he wants to leave [pretend you are going abroad. On a scholarship and hope her Dad is an idiot (sorry)]
5) Have girl throw tantrums. Hysterics. Gots to get married. Can't let him get away!
6) Man shows real genuineness and honesty of character. Shows real desire to marry, but must profess to be extremely broke, can't produce 10 bob to save his own life
7) Make vivid promises of making it right. Promise a huge 'renewal' wedding. Sign this in blood if necessary.
8) Plan for an uneventful, small wedding. Little food, no booze.
9) Spirit away your woman to Seychelles and burn a good 100,000. That way she doesn't get to gripe for the rest of your waking life that you are a cheapskate.

Return to normal life, never intending to keep any of those damn promises.

Nice thought huh? Probably wont work.