Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Indecision

I promised some client that I would sit in at a training session from 5.30 to evaluate how well the session is carried out. The session will cover some software that I will never use. So I will be seated there like a damn idiot thinking how wonderful it would be to be at home watchin soccer, sitting in traffic or even watching grass grow. How do I get myself into these things? Why can I not say no? My problems can be traced to yesterday afternoon when one of my bosses called me up and asked if I could sit in through some training sessions for the next three days. I could simply have said, "I would like to but I am busy with the ten other things that I am already working on". But no. I dont know how to do that I agreed and now I am sitted here stressed. Talking about stress I think I a about to crack. I go to bed tired and wake up even more tired, I am sleepy from morning to evening. And for the first time spending time on the treadmill does not reduce the 'My house of cards is about to collapse filling'. Things are so thick I want to cry. I cannot even keep track of the things that I was supposed to do but failed to do. I am a dead man walking sooner or later they will realise I am a lazy, incompetent idiot who has managed to fool them for the last five years.

One of these days I will just burst into tears and like a little girl. I could always skive the meeting, I have messed around with this client so much I dont think we have a reputation left. Its actually in my interest not to go. If I go I will suffer on my way there, suffer while there, and suffer having to do a report. But If I dont go I will be seated here or in traffic feeling very guilty. Wish the sky would just fall on our heads and take us out of our misery.

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