Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Not here. Not there. Not anywhere.

Due to a mixture of good fortune and misfortune in equal measure, I have not been able to say anything for a while here.

As a result, I have things colliding in my head like loose change. Without much further ado:

The anatomy of a soap opera:

If at all you are like me and you are going to be home on a Saturday evening (for reasons such as being broke), then you had better arm yourself with one or more of the following:

1) Alcoholic drink 2) A movie or two 3) A novel

This is because if you don’t, you will be spoilt for choice as far as offering on TV is concerned. Especially that wretched hour between 8 pm and 9. On all our premium channels, we have Mexican soaps of various shades in a contest for attention.

The formula of a soap must be the first thing on this earth that can be claimed not to get out of fashion or tired. The same plot is pulled from the shelf, dusted off, some color, scenery change and voila! smash hit. It must be an effortless money spinner.

The lead character will be a woman. This woman is very beautiful. Another character, a man, is added. His name will nine times out of ten be Alejandro. Or Juan.

This man is beauty itself. Tall, very handsome, athletic and in excellent health. He usually comes from a poor or middle class background and his means are modest, his profession noble. Sometimes, they will stick a real brain in this man. He is a surgeon extra-ordinaire. Or something along those lines. His gentleness, manners and capability for romance know no bounds.

Yet another man is added. This man (or his family), is so rich, that his fortune cannot be mentioned; It can only be hinted at. He has a darkness of soul that is second only to Satan's. He is ruthless, merciless and generally inhumane.

Enter girl number two. She comes from a rich family too. Not as rich the other guys. Her family is happy to play second fiddle.

We have the vital ingredients:

1....2.....3....Action!

The first girl, extremely beautiful and exuding the innocence of a newly sprouting flower, is hopelessly in love with Juan/Alejandro, the class A good guy. The evil guy desires her the way a starving lion regards a fat, supple antelope. The beautiful girl's family is intractably tangled with the rich guy’s family, usually either economically or by crime. This is why even though she is very "strong and moral", she cannot help and indulge the evil man, for the sake of the family.

The handsome good man is also madly in love with the beautiful girl. The rich man will on occasion have the other guy thoroughly beaten up as a discouragement. The ladies (plus male models) who watch shed hot tears, fawn and curse and wish they could pull the perpetrators from the TV screen and feed them some justice.

The family of the second girl is pushing their daughter to bag the rich man so that their situation in the world can improve.

Against this, there is a background of sleek sports cars and limousines; unbelievable palatial mansions on beach fronts; clothes designed by Gucci and other such exotic names; jewellery that produces its own light.

To cut the long story short. The good guy marries the good chic, after real anguish and suffering. The bad guy loses his money and goes to jail (or dies). The other girl finds a similar fate, for trying to assassinate the poor girl or something equally stupid.

Cut!

A slight variation of that for your entire lifetime. The producers walk to the bank grinning.

Faux Pas.

A random man. A random woman. The only thing that is not random is the meeting. It is pre-meditated. The man has talked, with a lot of difficulty, for the whole of five minutes, and finally, grasping at straws, has run out of stuff to say. The random is girl is extremely helpful to the man in distress. She keeps quiet and contributes nothing to the conversation.

Desperate, he glances around, racks his brain. Presently, a very beautiful girl strolls into the pub/restaurant. The man is about to do the first deadly mistake.

The man unwittingly directs all his attention on the beautiful lady. She is too collected. Not a hair out of place. She is moving gracefully.

He opens his mouth and commits deadly mistake #2.

M: How do you guys do it?
W:(between clenched teeth)Do what?
M:Come on I mean, look at her. She looks as though she has just descended from heaven. Not a spec of dust on her. Isn't she beautiful?
Without waiting..
M: How much time and money is spent to make her look like that?

The woman is now looking at the man with pure unadulterated hate. It suddenly kicks in. The man's next sentence dries up in the dark recesses of his throat. The next attempt at conversation (or explanation if you like), is in fits and starts.

The random chic leaves with a piercing parting shot:
Since you like her so much why don't you take her for the rest of your lousy date?
Up and she is gone.

The random man, an acquaintance, advises men:
If beautiful women start filing into a club, stare into your bottle of the KBL liquids and ask yourself this question:

What is the physics behind those bubbles in the beer? Do not unstare until:
i) The question is answered
2) The beautiful woman is out of your field of vision.

Whichever comes first.

Isn't funny?

That someone will look for a (reg-ex string here) friend and for a long time not find one. Then, by sheer luck, someone will give someone a fleeting chance. Something begins to simmer. Suddenly, other people start getting very interested. Your last fiancé comes crashing back into your life and chooses very opportune moments, like the middle of the night?

Bird Flu?

I eat Kenchic chicken with gusto. I was reading a notice which has been stuck up in all fast-foods, informing people on the avian flu. The only thing you have to worry about is adding weight. Avian Flu is a non-starter in Kenchic fried chicken. Here is why.

When you buy your chicken, you are given a paper slip that has the net cost of all you are eating. This paper slip, you hand it over to a greasy man who will not be content to merely take the paper, but will insist on smearing your hands with frying oil. The man pierces a piece of meat from a slick glass cabinet and ferries it over to a blackened vat. A dark, still liquid sits in this vat; that is until your piece of meat is popped in. The hot frying oil comes to life and gives the impression of a thousand demons rising from the sea. Your piece of meat is turned into a crusty biscuit in short order. Some of the organo-carbons in the meat turn into elements that cannot be mapped anywhere in the periodic table. The meat is handed back to you for your consumption.

I have difficulty in believing that an organism that cannot even be seen with the naked eye can survive this inferno.

Relax, death will find you in its own good time.

7 Comments:

Blogger aJamaa said...

I will reserve my comments to soaps. I dont make enough money to drink every weekend, but I still drink every weekend. Soaps, and in particular The Bold and the Beutiful drove me to drink. The thought of being at home on a Sato watchin a soap encourages me to figure out how I can drink my last 1K and still have money for transport and lunch the following week. I swear the kind of gymnastics a jamaa does with his meager earnings qualifies for governor of CBK. Kenya would never have to borrow again.

The few times I have tried to stay home on a Sato, Samborera gets me out with the all important question, "What are you going to do? Watch La Mujer".

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 7:40:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

You have spanish soaps all wrong obviously you werent paying attention!!

1. There is a very rich man who falls in love with a nice beautiful poor girl

2. The rich man's name varies all the time.. alejandro, richard, antonio, tony..

3. The rich man is convinced by his family to marry another woman from the same background who in reality is not rich at all and is very evil too. The evil girl is in colloboration with a rich evil man that is also in love with the poor girl. The evil forces manage to break the two lovers up irreconcilliably.

4. All of a sudden the poor girl becomes filthy rich, even richer than the rich man and she is then able to destroy the rich man and his family. Oh by the way before this she became preggies with the rich man's child and now has his son or daughter but hides this fact from him

5. In the end the rich man and now rich girl mend their broken hearts fall in love again and run off into the sunset as wonderful spanish music plays

(collective sigh hhmmmmmmmm)

Well, nice to have you back!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 1:46:00 AM  
Blogger 0.5 said...

Well, thats another variation. You realize all the basic elements are there.
Rich man, poor girl, rich girl. Beautiful triangle.
It is a formula that keeps guys in bars until 9:00 oclock on weekends.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger Samborera said...

Soaps - I first thought this was aJamaa's post. Enyewe. Being at home on a sato between 8-9 can be torture.

Faux pas - How can you not. Look at a gorgeous woman. Given your date is likely to take a downward turn, but stopping instinctive reflexes can be fatal. And. How do they do it. Look all lovely and perfect.

Funny - "for a (reg-ex string here) friend". Hehehehe. How true. Is someone getting some?

Bird flu - "Relax, death will find you in its own good time." Very well said.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger KenyanMusings said...

LOOOL. Helluva funny post.

I hate mexican soaps. Sana. They suck. All soaps even the Bold, days of our lives, the bachelor or ette, fantasy or tempting Island, Joe Millionare, all that bullshit. Utter crap. Utter nonsense....etctecetece sucky yukkk eeeky so fake.

Kwanza the worst is with the mexican soaps lip synching and voices that do nt belong with the person's size, appearance or personality. You will find a very fat ass old man(like say, the clown with jokes that are not funny, and he is usually obese most times), with the voice of a little girl. That annoys. What is with that? How do these things get past inspection!!! Arrrgghhh!!
Down with soaps!!

Tsk Tsk...isnn't it funny?
Hmmm. Nature's way of telling you that, you are not as smart as you think. I know it too well. Story of my life. Its the gods. They hate you.....

Keep well. Habari ya all y'all? Salimiana.
Tell Ajamaa I have an audio copy of Moby Dick if he would like to 'listen' to it......LOL, since he thought it is too long. Audio's are for lazy people. Tell him that too.

Thursday, March 30, 2006 1:34:00 PM  
Blogger Girl in the Meadow said...

Soap hating not working. I love soaps. And especially the mexican ones. I am among the ones who stil watch the tragedy that is Bold and Beautiful imagine.

Thursday, March 30, 2006 3:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL those Kenchic chickens really suffer. First they are lain prostrate and naked for all to gawk at and then they are incinerated to near extinction!!

Enjoy your ngoks!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:24:00 AM  

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