Monday, January 08, 2007

ATOMicity (or lack thereof)

Take the case of Richard. Straightforward, church going fellow. Model son, good and hardworking employee. Does not look too shoddy either.
Richard has been seeing a girl. Man its been going great. How many weeks now? Twelve! The Chinese dinners are great once a dude knows how to use those chopsticks. The cloying taste of wine needs some getting used to but hey! who cares.

Its ahhh,...ahem,...time to ask for errr... things, if you get my drift. Good breeding has prevented Ritchie from reaching over the table and having a feel. Ahhh, but the temperatures below have been steadily rising, feels like a catalytic cracking chamber with demons adding fuel every second.
"Honey, I was thinking, with this long weekend coming, we can take off and spend some quality time at the Naivasha Fishes, Parachuting and Sky Diving camp. Its absolutely fabolous. Spa, sponge baths, herbal baths, great swimming pool, here have a look at these brochures ...."

She is thrilled! "Oh dear, I can't wait!" The Guardian of Male Mojo seems to be in a pleasant mood.

Richard, who is modest and drinks only rarely, is buying drinks by the crates. Fellas, we are gonna do it. The buddies are green with envy. The next day, he pulls out both ATM and credit card. The event of money leaving the account stings a bit,......but he sees naked images and a happy smile comes back up. The jalopy is taken to the garage and fitted with new wheels. Spanking new brake fluid. The engine is tuned. Rev 1,2. Its purring beautifully. Dash off at 120 km/h....brake suddenly. Perfect. The baby can survive the turtous journey to the Naivasha and back. Tune the speakers. 60,000 gone. Just like that. Borrow that funky neo-soul that she likes from Jonathan. All set.

Fast forward. >>

The girl at the check-in desk is smiling. She shows them two forms.
Hi guys, the pink colored form is for booking a double room, the white one is for separate, single rooms. Long experience has shown that it is indiscreet to verbally ask your guests whether they prefer singles or a double; Richard grabs the pink one and shoots a sly look at her. She smiles back. Right on! Fill it quick. The hostess hands Richard one key. A porter takes their luggage.

Fast forward. >>>>

A dinner of juicy roast and other delicacies. Some wine. A trip in the dark in an open van. O boy there is a huuuge elephant. She grabs him in fear....
Relax baby its totally harmless (yeah right)
Are sure?
Oh Yeah.
(small voice) OK.

Some slow music. Dancing up close. Richard has been practising. No stepping on her toes. The countdown is ticking. Time to move before she complains of fatigue ....Lets go finish this bottle upstairs ....They take the slightly less than quarter wine bottle and MOOF!

The kissing and cuddling is going well until she holds his shoulders and starts to push him off. It does not register. The guy tries to kiss her again and she roughly pushes him off.
What is wrong? he asks.
I don't feel like it, she replies.
Why don't you feel like it? Is it me? Did I do something wrong, have I ever done something wrong? Is it this place?

Many questions (not necessarily verbalized). Conflicting and confusing feelings. The answer is one and always the same: I don't feel like it. May be another day.
Which other day? What will have changed? Do you need starter liquid? Or should we plug your finger into the mains socket? Perhaps there will be a nuclear strike soon and I will mutate and become more physically appealing? Should I try plastic surgery, look like Denzel? I could sell my left kidney you know, to raise the cash. Perhaps I should have hired Celine Dion to sing to you as you sipped your wine? How about borrowing some of your make up? Or should I hope you shall have developed a cataract and mistakenly visualize me as irresistible?
Do you think you must have it? She asks him.
Romance is out the door and we are back to the age-old question (or more like defense or excuse).
You should not have led me on. If I had known earlier, I would have locked my d*k away in the closet and travelled lighter.Might even have saved me some fuel!

A small argument ensues. He is trying to hard to beg and not be angry from humiliation at the same time (loin-demons are awake and doing a war jig). She storms out. He thinks she won't get far at this hour of the night and especially from this place. Fellas can be hopelessly optimistic. She flips open her phone. Dials one or two numbers. She doesn't come back!

If a woman has ever pulled one like this one on you, you know exactly what I mean.

Next, in true Samborera fashion: Failover Clustering

6 Comments:

Blogger Princess said...

Dude!!! I cannot believe she never came back. That is so messed up!! Pole!!!

Monday, January 08, 2007 8:35:00 PM  
Blogger Samborera said...

I've had a few lessons on 'all or nothing'. Very recent lessons. I never figured there'd be some stuff I couldn't blog about...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007 7:15:00 AM  
Blogger 0.5 said...

This didn't happen to me. It happened to someone I know. My own version (which I retell when I am high) is worse.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Samborera said...

Pity you don't get high anymore then...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007 3:10:00 PM  
Blogger Princess said...

Samborera you are such an instigator..LOL!!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 3:36:00 AM  
Blogger 0.5 said...

Actually that story is a half-post somewhere on my drive .......

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 2:43:00 PM  

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