Monday, October 30, 2006

Journey of self

I wanted the title of the post to be more Sade than that. Close enough I guess.
0.5 and I were discussing yesterday, a topic we had been on before, can't remember when.

I guess it started with some grumbling. Guys were getting edgy, nervous, fidgety; the females were getting too comfortable in their roles as tormentors/girlfriends. We wanted out. They were starting to act like it is their duty to keep a guy in line, have him doing what they want when they want. Feel me?

We went about convincing ourselves as to why we had to head for the hills, and fast. We owed it to our sanity to do so.

This is how you get to our predicament, which I think is not exclusive to us. First its all stars and bright lights, and not necessarily in the club. Then they go about convincing you that you are the one. Like it or not, you start getting used to the idea. You mellow. You say those crazy words back, knowing you don't mean them, but you don't want to rock the boat. Rock the boat? More like Titanic the boat on some iceberg. Big crash. Get it?


Before you know it you are spending all your time together. Of course you are not comfortable with it but you hope she will create her own space around you in time. Your place becomes hers. You go along (not all of us, just the silly ones like myself). Then you lose all control as to your movements. You have to inform this someone (or a couple of them) where you are, how long you'll be there (we've done this before eh?). Anyways, you get the drift.

We reflected on back when we could just hook up. Boys only. We could drink ourselves silly, watch some soccer, head off on any tangent we chose, chase members of the opposite sex without feeling guilty, take as many phone numbers as you wanted without having to hit the delete button on your inbox, sent messages, call register, message counter, call durations; being wary of when she would call, is the music too loud? having to run out of the club when she called cause you lied that you were at home, having to come up with endearing messages when she gets it in her head that you've made her mad when she is actually insane, having to buy ice cream, thinking of your evening excuse early in the morning. We remembered when a change of plans was just that, not an invitation to start another round of mean mugging and the 'silent treatment'. I didn't have to be at a specific place at a specific time, sending messages by the minute when you were late, updating her as to your monumental, Herculean efforts to get to where you were supposed to be just to find that she hadn't got there herself. Waiting for eons for her as she takes her time making her hair, when she could have done that much earlier. My money was mine to give to KBL and BAT, plus whomever else I chose. I didn't have to bring someone along with me to distribute to the said parties, without this person ever giving me the chance to give out her money to the aforementioned entities.

Aaaaah.

I have started the journey. I want to re-discover that guy. The guy who had his own time. Weekday or weekend. Could take off to wherever, whenever.

It should take us about a month or two to get there. I say goodbye to all the 20 year olds, all the "Please Call Me"s, all of you who only call when you get bored and are looking for someone to foot the bill and give you a laugh. All of you who do that voodoo that you do, get me relaxed and complacent, then try and sneak into my head, trying to figure me out. Claiming to know me and what I feel.

Wonder how I got here in the first place? Yup, when I took that number and called. And called again. If you can't close the deal in one week, 4get her. After you close the deal, you have two weeks and then hit the Eject button. Make sure you press the one that will propel you out of there on rocket fuel. Out of that plane! You'd rather hurtle earthwards without a parachute
like Governor Schwarzenegger (is that the spelling?). You are safer that way. I remember a far wiser friend of mine imparting this dose of wisdom ages ago. Sadly, I never listen. Have I learnt? Maybe, maybe not. Seeing as to I fall in love every time I turn around, its going to be a tough couple of months. Ooh, there are so many fine women out there.

The journey starts.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kamikaze, Is it really that bad? So i gather you are breaking up with your girl(s) coz u feel u have lost yourself?
I know its hard to beleive but there are a bunch of us women out there who also have a need for space. A need to have our own lives/interests and friends too. All we want once in a while(read once a fortnight) is someone to hold us and tell us how great we are. Just that!
So I think what you need to do is get hooked to that kind of woman. And if u feel like you are losing yourself in a relationship, thing is, you are with the wrong woman! Run, and fast!!!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Samborera said...

This sounds vaguely familiar. [read you aren't the only one on a journey]. The hills aren't that bad actually. [what was that you told me about there being no hills. Seriously. What happened] A bit lonely and cold at times. It seems what a guy needs is an anonymous woman.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 2:44:00 PM  
Blogger Kamikaze said...

Have anyone in mind anonymous?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger Princess said...

I think that the only time you find yourselves feeling smothered by a person of the opposite gender is if you don't really like the person and are merely settling.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 11:32:00 PM  
Blogger 0.5 said...

I do not agree with the princess. People change, or display uncharacteristic behaviour when they are in the dating game. A little time down the line that changes.

One hopes that the calm and collected lady (or guy - select as appropriate) that you are attracted to will remain as such; only for her to change and totally fill up your personal space.

It is a quid pro quo thing. Give the guy as much time as he gives you. If he is all up into your space, then you should be all up into his.
For instance, when a guy wants to be with you on a date, he will ask you. Girls inviting themselves to Friday night-boys-only-hit-the-booze-hard sessions is stifling. Occasional appearances un-invited are not bad, in fact they are welcome. Not most Fridays.

I do not fault the intentions, because they usually come from a good place. People are constituted differently, and I for one know that even if I were to be totally in love, I would not want to spend every breathing minute of my life with that person.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger Komi said...

I guess we all need to take a journey of self. It is important to know what one needs, and what one can and cannot take. Relationships are good when both parties are in for the same thing. In my view, that is actually the leading issue...being on diff pages thus creating these nasty situations u bring up.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 10:58:00 AM  
Blogger aJamaa said...

I hanged out with some jamaas a few months who after meeting a hot chick would categorise them as 'clinger like' or not. I took great exception to this since in my mind you cannot write off a hot chik until she continuously proves herself as deserving to be written off. But there is some degree of wisdom in how the do things now if only they could share the thermometer they use to identify and the clingers it would sort a few guys out.

Get yourself an out of town chik.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 5:21:00 PM  

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