I Would Run. Sue Me.

I have this friend. I will not reveal his name because I plan on having a head on top of my shoulders for the foreseeable future at least. So, for reference, lets call him K.

Me and K are in the house (this was some time ago) on a Saturday morning. K is complaining about a certain woman who has been texting him. He did not know the woman. He sent a message asking the lady to identify herself. The lady in consternation, replied that her name was 'Hot'.
H O T?
In addition, she claimed that my friend K knows her, and he is only playing those games men are so famous for.

What kind of name is that? Anyway, that got the curiosity going. A few jolly laughs. I asked K to save the number, tongue in cheek.

After a time, she calls: Obviously from my end, I can only hear one half of the conversation.
K: Hi. [pause]
K: Ati I know you? From where? [another pause]
K: Aiiiiii. Let me assure you I have never met you.

For an interminable time they talk, until K clips the mouthpiece and announces, incredulous;
".5, this mama wants us to meet, for a date!".
Events are unravelling. So I tell him that I find nothing particularly wrong with meeting a person. So K asks her when and where they should meet.

They say that you fold a fish before it dries. Our dear 'Hot' wanted the meeting the same Saturday. I love all things spontaneous. So I shake off my early morning hangover, and take a shower, in readiness to play spy. I just had to see this 'Hot'. My friend K arranged a meeting at Seasons. Off we sped towards town and to season.

We sat at two different tables but within proximity. This was the deal, if 'Hot' turned out to be actually hot, I was to pretend that I had never seen or heard of my friend K in my entire waking life. Of course, the reverse would apply. I would step in and throw a spanner in the works.
I had my own ideas. We sipped beer as we exchanged banter.

After some 40 minutes, 'Hot' called to say that she could not find Seasons. Who in Nairobi doesn't know Seasons. K, started ranting that she is probably of a rich extraction; fly and sophisticated and could not be bothered with lowly places like Seasons. But I know K. He has met colossal misfortunes in the women's department and probably this would not be any different.

K called 'Hot' back. He gave a long, arduous explanation of how to get to Seasons. She still did not get it. So he told her to ask for Ambassadeur when she arrives in town and call so that she can be picked. After this exchange, we start wondering whether we have ourselves a dimwit for a date.

10 minutes later, she flashed. So K goes. You at Ambassadeur?
She can't locate Ambassadeur either. K puts in a super human effort not to fly off the handle. He maintains a mellow, sweet voice. But we are dumbfounded. K goes to explain the location of the place with reference to the position of the sun, the streets, everything and anything we could get hold off. Nil.
Finally K asked, exasperated.
Kwani unaishi kwa shimo gani?
Makongeni
So where the hell is Makongeni?
Off the road that connects Thika to Garissa.

All this time. The woman was in Thika, we were in Nairobi and that never got across. K informs her that indeed we are in Nairobi therefore they can't meet.
"Ohhh no no I will come to Nairobi".
At this point I was finding things very amusing and could not help laughing. I told K to forget the woman and we head to another joint. But in an effort to annoy me, K decided to proceed with the plan.

After one hour, 'Hot' called to announce that she had arrived in Nairobi. K advised her to as for directions to the Hilton and wait for him near the lobby as well as give a description of what she was wearing.
She made short work of finding the Hilton.
My time to play James Bond had arrived.

Armed with the description of the dress, I set out, 20 metres ahead of K. Yes, I could see her from quite afar, in a screaming red dress. Alas there were two of them. The script had not said two. Just one. Nothing out of the ordinary though, chics play tag all the time. So I moved closer for a better view in a very unobtrusive manner.

'Hot' was a woman who at least was 30 years old. If she wasn't then my real name is Moses and I can make electricity with my bare hands. Her hair was short, jet black and slick with grease. Hot indeed.

My first step, was to call K. Dude, abort, abort, abort! Mean, huh?
NO. That was precisely what I had been tasked to do. Find if 'Hot' was hot enough to risk a date with. This one was a no-brainer. Not hot.
Curiosity got the better of K (or perhaps the guilt that goes with standing someone up). He showed up unexpectedly between me and her. And unmasked my presence.
Hi, .5, trying to reach you but you are walking too fast.
Then in a brilliant act:
Hey,.......you are 'Hot', from Thika ........
'Hottensia, ....Hot, yes that's me'.

He then started closing the remaining 7 metres and increasingly lost momentum as he approached the target. A full 2 meters from where she was standing, he stopped completely.
He turned back to look at me, to see if I was approaching.
I had not moved an inch.
"Hi, you have a friend ......."
"Yes, she is called ....[sorry, can't remember]"
"I just run into .5 too, he is an old buddy of mine ....".

They approach me. Introductions all round. Now K wants to set me up with Hot's buddy.
I hear K saying: Lets go to Hornbill for a drink.
I suddenly had very pressing business to attend to. Got to run, got to run. K gave me that look that seems to say: don't leave me alone with them pleaaaaseeee.

To summarize, K gave 'Hot' her date. He was civil, cordial and a genetleman. I later joined them at the bar, but that was after K promised that he would finance the beer drinking, after they were gone, long into the rest of the night.
So beer was coming? I created diversions that ensured the date did not last too long.

'Hot', started stalking K, calling him many times on a single day for many more days that followed. She even came to Nairobi a few times.
K got annoyed and rudely told her off.