Tuesday, October 07, 2014

I Am Legend

This post sounded clearer in my head this morning.

It sounded pithy. It brought out the sense of schadenfreude that had enveloped me into accepting the turn of events I felt was inevitable but continued to wish away.

Then I got to the office and buried myself in work. Now it feels simply like something I need to get out of the way and move on.

I Am Legend? Perhaps the easiest title I could have picked. It will become clearer in a moment.

So I get home yesterday. Dog tired. Had overindulged over the weekend. Monday was arduous. As I trudged towards the house, contemplating another evening of cold silences and the evil eye from mama watoto. That is who she had become. No emotion. Nothing. Trying to conjure up previously felt emotions was just hard work. Efforts at trying to do stuff together was exerting. So I settled to a mundane existence: Up, Office, Bar, Home. Repeat at will. Thus, all hue and cry (sometimes from myself) that all was not well fell on deaf ears (sometimes from myself).

The past couple of months have been nasty. False accusations. A stab in the dark to evoke emotion. Good or bad. A need to set things right met with affront, resulting in a need to inflict emotional pain as a means of perceived justice for being wronged. Squabbles left right and center. All attempts to re-set to a previous more nurturing relationship were met with hardheartedness.

Having accepted my fate to such an existence, I continued my routine. Up, Office, Bar, Home. Talking only to the kids. And as such, Monday looked to be more of the same. Until I went back home. Although calling it home is misrepresentation, last night it officially ceased to be any such things. Like a thief in the night, they sneaked off while I was at work. Gate wide open. Door wide open. House cleaned out. If I had not been there that morning I would have sworn that we had been robbed. It was 9pm. I walked about in a daze. Went to the bedroom. Opened the wardrobe and found my clothes. At least she left those. A towel. A duvet.

No soap. No toothpaste. She even took my shoes!! My shoes!! Even slippers. Save for the shoes on my feet, I have none else.

So I slept in the bathtub. Like Will Smith. I Am Legend. And it feels like those dudes in the movie who only move at night or in the dark have been trying to step out of the darkness I feel for a while. I thought I was living in a new light, keeping them at bay. The analogies were clearer in the cold light of this morning. They fade. As all things do. And as every other day, each day shall end. And another shall present itself for you to manouver through.


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